I’ve never cried like I cried this month. Im pretty sure I cried more this month than I have in the last 10 years combined, because Greece broke me. I know brokenness is a constant thing, but God definitely used His sledgehammer this month.
Why? You ask. Was it the man who faced death every direction except across the border? Was it the lawyer whose office is now being used by Isis or the young woman screaming in panic as the jets flew by? How about Ali, who had no one to teach him how to be a man of integrity? The pool of blood on the pavement? The smell of the tear gas, the rubber bullets embedded in the barbed wire, the smile of the baby whose innocence shone in a world of fear? Perhaps my own inability to control my spiritual life?
Yes, it was all of those, and more.
As a volunteer at Idomeni, and not someone working with a major organization, I drifted from place to place, passing out blankets here, a sandwich there, some shoes over there….I got to see a lot. The problem was: while we were indeed meeting the needs of the refugees in the camps, it was like handing a dollar to a beggar. They didn’t want handouts, they wanted to resume their lives. The sandwiches and jackets were a need to be filled, but it wasn’t addressing the bigger problem; and for someone whose spiritual gift is mercy and logistics, not having a solution for the problem tore me apart.
I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t have a solution. For the first time in my life, I was faced with a problem that I literally could not conceive of any plausible solution. The mercy in my heart screamed at me, watching Sean clean an infected cut in a child’s hand, while the problem solving part scrambled in vain.
This problem was bigger than me. This evil was bigger than me.
I couldn’t throw a Bible verse at it, pray it out of existence, or drown it with Netflix. I was faced with the very real fact that there is evil in this world that is outside of my capability to fix.
With my spiritual life in shambles (It wasn’t, but I was believing the lie that it was) and with my physical world shaken, I grieved for my friends every day.
I read a quote by Rich Mullins the other day from this super-spiritual book I’m reading (ok, ok, it was Facebook) “David didn’t set out to slay Giants, he set out to deliver sandwiches to his brothers, and the giant got in the way”.
Also, earlier this month, I asked God what I can do to help them, and God said “Love them.” “He who is faithful in that which is least, will be faithful also in much.”
I’ve always wanted to take up my sword, put on the full armor, and be a Bible-thumping badass, from whom even the demons shake in their boots. A few too many movies, but hey, don’t we all wish we could be like that? This month, I ran out onto the battle field with my little wooden sword and tin-can helmet, and saw, for the first time, how woefully inadequate I am to accomplish His will.
“I don’t care if you have stood with the greats, I care if you have sat with the broken” (author unknown because I don’t have wifi to find out, but I’m pretty sure Jesus said it too somewhere.)
I want with all my heart to be used by God in great ways, in radical ways. I want to live a life characterized by complete failure and weakness on my part, that way His strength may be made perfect in my life. I’ve gotten a taste and I told Him I want more. (I think that’s my problem….every time I ask God to work on me, He takes a BIG wallop outta me.)
In the meantime, as I put all this into Jesus’s hands, I’m still not sure how to deal with the fact that I’m walking away from a problem as if it doesn’t exist. I’ve obeyed the Spirit’s leading to the best of my ability and done what Jesus says to do, but I will still mourn for my friends as life has handed them one of the biggest injustices in the world.
Thank you for reading my blog and for your continued support: spiritually, financially, and now emotionally as well. All of it is appreciated and coveted. Well, except the financially thing cause Jesus says not to covet money. But, I still need it. I’m at $13,975 of the required $16,962. Also, random things like cold medicine, shampoo, a cup of coffee, aren’t included in our budget. Please pray and ask the Spirit if the Father would have you support me financially, and if so, let me know.
I thank you, love you, and miss you all very much!
