Have you ever seen those pictures on the internet of the toddlers crying over completely irrational things? Crying that all the cookies were gone when they were the one that ate them, etc. I honestly kinda feel like that toddler right now but I’ve learned that discrediting and denying how you feel doesn’t make it go away and that God works best in you when you’ve given everything over, so, here goes.
It was approaching midnight at 10,000 feet above sea level in Quito, Ecuador and my team was gathered around a campfire that I had built for our team time. The hardest fire I had ever made as the lack of oxygen at that elevation kept it from staying lit. We were doing an exercise in which every person has 5 minutes to be asked any question, sort of like those games you play in junior high, except these are deep, personal, and exposing questions. Everybody else was getting “easy” questions like “what was your favorite childhood memory”. When my turn came, it felt like I was being blasted by a fully automatic .50 caliber machine gun. Finally we just stopped using the timer because my 5 minutes was way since past and the questions kept getting deeper and more prying.
Finally, in exasperation, I vented “I just don’t believe that God is good, that He has my best in mind, or that He will provide.”
Teammate: “Do you believe that God will provide the remainder of your financial needs for the trip?”
Me: “No, had John not told me that only two people have ever been sent home for lack of funds, I would literally have my bags packed right now waiting for AIM to call, telling me that I’m going home.”
Teammate: “Do you believe that He has His best intentions for you?”
Me: “No, I haven’t experienced God in a way that allows me to say with certainty that I believe He has my best in mind, and not hearing from Him while others are having visions and healing others makes me feel legitimately gypped by God.”
These questions and answers went on for nearly half an hour and I expressed what I believe is the root of so many of my spiritual struggles.
My entire life, I’ve thought that as long as I just read more of my Bible, that if I sang enough praise and worship music, and listened to enough podcasts, I wouldn’t struggle with my sin…..and it wasn’t working.
A few days ago I realized something. Adam and Eve WALKED WITH GOD every day. You can’t top that. You cannot have fellowship with God like that this side of Heaven, and they still fell. Obviously, its not time spent with and closeness of your relationship with Jesus that determines your spiritual health.
Sin occurred when Eve doubted. She no longer believed that God had her best in mind and that God was withholding something from her. She believed that she was being gypped by God.
So, how does one go about believing the promises of God and that He has our best in mind? Sure, you can read the promises, but how do you BELIEVE them?
