When I left for the race, I thought I was leaving to win the world. Of course, I would change along the way, but the purpose was to “Go and Do”.
The entire race I’ve felt God leading me to “Be still”. From my spirit, to others telling me in feedback, to the Holy Spirit, I’ve been hearing “Be still” for the last five months.
This may come as a surprise to most of you, but that was really hard.
“The World needs Jesus guys!!! Let’s go!!!”
“Be Still”
“That can’t be Jesus, cause there’s so much work to do, surely He understands that, must be a bug in the spirit ware”
“Be Still”
“Ok, maybe it IS you, but for how long, in what ways, and in what areas?”
“Be still”
“Apparently you didn’t hear me, Jesus I need some guidelines on this whole being still thing. I gotta have a time frame so I know when to jump back in the game.”
“Be Still”
This went on for months.
I was barely getting the hang of it when suddenly I became an invalid hacking up a lung and ordered to bed rest. Still protesting I’d go out with my team for ministry. As I stopped, gasping for breath, I figured maybe they had a point and reluctantly I resolved to “be still”.
Now, I’m not saying that God gave me pneumonia, that was my fault for climbing Olympus while having a cold, but He definitely used it for His glory.
Remember that vision I had a couple blogs back where I saw all of us struggling with our armor and Him saying “I will train you”? A few days ago, I pictured Him grabbing my arm, Spartan style of course, and helping me up the last step to the peak. As I stepped up, I felt Him say “Go”.
Now I was confused. He kept saying “Be still, now He said “go”. But hey, He said go, I wasn’t gonna ask twice. Then came the plot twist. He laid peace on my heart and showed me how little of it I had.
While I can show peace to others, inside I’m wrought with turmoil of questions, begging God for answers, a vicious, panic induced struggle to follow Jesus. So many times I have to get away from everybody and think and process through all that’s running through my mind.
I heard a quote this month from a Bethel worship leader about how guilt and shame keep us inwardly focused. We will never find answers or growth looking inward, we only find peace, growth, and healing when we focus outwardly on Jesus. That’s why fear, guilt, and shame cripple us, they keep us in our own head and destroy our Peace.
Every question, doubt, fear, or guilt that I have turns my focus inward and destroys my Peace in Him. So, now that I know this, I’m waiting patiently as I learn to walk in Peace.
Now, for the first time, God has taken who He created me to be, a driven mover and shaker, stripped all the pride and fear and selfishness from it, and remolded it into something that He can use for His kingdom.
It’s so wierd to not think through and analyze things to figure out how to fix myself, but rather accept Peace and choose to walk in it, but it’s so refreshing to not ride that emotional roller coaster driven by being in my own head.
Hey guys! I wanted to thank you all (again) for your prayers and financial support! As of a couple days ago, I only have $225 left to raise! Praise the Lord! And to think I almost didn’t sign up because of the price tag lol God is so big!
