I’ve noticed that I have kind of left all of my supporters and followers in the dark on how The Race has gone for me so far. It’s easy to let the people around me know how I am doing but it is much more difficult to express your feelings for the whole world to hear.
I went on the race thinking I would be the strong person that helped everyone else, that God would speak so loud and clear. Essentially, I thought I would be flourishing.
Super honesty time. None of that has happened.
Right off the bat, our team experienced the Word Race to the max. The environment we were in plus the challenging ministry made month one a very hard. I relied on God and my team more than I thought I ever could, God comforted me, but I still wasn’t hearing Him clearly, I did not feel like I was flourishing.
Now as we are here finishing up month two in Costa Rica, I find myself in a constant battle of frustration and discouragement. We have been doing a lot of ATL’s (Ask the Lord) which can be frustrating for those that are struggling in hearing His voice, and every time we would do an ATL, I’d get frustrated. And since I haven’t been hearing the Lord, I have really begun to question my purpose here.
My squad leader Katie and I had a one on one. I shared with her my frustrations about not wanting to be here, about not hearing from God, feeling like something is wrong with me. Katie prayed over me and then said “well let’s try it. Let’s see if you get a word from the Lord”.
I sat there in silence, emptying my mind. And I got a picture of a race horse. This horse was filled with both excitement and frustration wanting to be released from the gate, so it can go and give all it has to offer inside it.
I opened my eyes not knowing what on earth that was. Katie asked if I heard anything and I said “I think so?” I told her what I saw as the grin on her face got bigger as I continued explaining. I asked if she got anything from the Lord and she said she heard the words release and pressure. My mind was blown, this was the first time I have heard and acknowledged that it was the Holy Spirit talking to me, and it is cool as to how He communicates to each of us.
The analogy the Holy Spirit gave me was to help me explain what is going on inside of me, because it describes how I feel perfectly. I am waiting for my gate to open so I can go, I am in a season of waiting to be released, and in this season, I have been filled with frustrations because I just want to go, but I need to wait because it’s not my time yet. I need to trust that God will open that gate for me, and have patience for whenever that may be.
