5.17.18 // 3:00 am
I feel like there’s this shell around me that’s been on me for as long as I can remember. This shell that becomes what it needs to become to fit in with the people around me. On the outside, I look strong & independent, like nothing can get me down. Because that’s the image that I’ve spent so many years creating for myself. I’m constantly on the move between different friend groups, churches, communities, jobs. Throughout college, most days I would leave my dorm at 6am and wouldn’t get back until 9pm. I was addicted to this constant stimulation, this constant “on the go” lifestyle. I really think that always being on the go makes me feel like I’m valuable, like I’m known by a lot of people, like I’m making a difference in this world.
But the problem with this high speed lifestyle is that I can be so many places at once that I’m really nowhere at all. I can form what feels like real, deep friendships with people, but all I’m really doing is showing them what they want to see.
And most times I do it without thinking. I choose what aspects of myself to present to people to win them over and get them to like me. For years I’ve been creating this image of Mikayla who “has it all together, who is so chill and down for anything, who is just living and breathing the Word of God.”
Those are real things that people have said about me. And they feel great in the moment, but there’s this part of me that feels a little twinge of pressure anytime people say that because I think at my deep root of roots, I know it’s an image. If you really know me, you know I’m not like that all the time…behind closed doors I can be grumpy, I tend to over analyze every situation, and my brain is constantly in motion.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a generally optimistic person, I enjoy being easygoing about things, and I would like to say that I try my best to stay rooted in the Word of God. The external can look the same as the internal, but I think the difference is the heart. Sometimes it’s hard to see a difference in image vs authentic actions. One heart posture is rooted in self and one heart posture is rooted in God. And when we’re living out of the self, that’s when we’re hiding under our shell. And that’s where I’ve spent most of my life.
I’m learning that this shell is only external. It’s not who I am. Underneath the shell is a real person. A tender hearted, authentic, little girl who walks around this world in complete awe and wonder, able to stop, sit down, and breathe in the life all around her. A girl who’s mind isn’t running at 1000 miles per hour, over-analyzing every little thing, but rather, one who is content with who she is, who is able to sit in freedom in front of The Father.
I’m still trying to learn who this little girl is underneath that shell. And in order to get there, I first have to take off the shell. The only problem is that it’s so firmly stuck on there that I can’t take it off myself. Its impossible, it’s too big. The shell is so heavy that God is the only one who can lift it off of my back. And He’s so happy to do so!
These last 10 months on the race, I’ve seen God showing me my deeply rooted inadequacy issue. He’s been gently taking me on a journey of breaking me down and revealing to me who I am and what makes me unique. I’ve seen him slowly removing that shell, piece by piece, prayer by prayer, month by month. And most days, I couldn’t even see what He was doing, but now I’m finally at a place where the shell feels almost completely gone and I’m staring at it with fresh eyes. And I’m just in awe…like what have I been doing all of these years?!? That shell was so heavy, how was I carrying that???? Why did I think that was a good idea??
But that’s what people pleasing does. It sucks you in. The more and more you give into it, the bigger the shell gets. It becomes full of more and more different “sides” of myself so that at any time, I can present the perfect one to be who that person needs me to be in the moment. You start to become comfortable under the shell and forget that there’s a real, tender person underneath it all.
And at the root of it all is a deep, deep fear of man and a large inadequacy problem. This fear that if I show my true self to you, you won’t like me. This fear that if I’m not this perfect person, nobody will love me. I even fear that once I start dating someone, they’ll get to know the real me and hate it.
But praise God that he’s removed that shell from my life and I didn’t even have to do anything!!! For real, I didn’t even know it was happening until I opened my eyes one day this week and realized that I feel like a totally new person, like a weight has truly been lifted from my body. I suddenly don’t feel the need to perform for people. I don’t feel this deep desire to please everybody around me or be everyone’s best friend. I don’t feel the pressure to be “on” all the time. I’m not worried about disappointing people or having hard conversations. Because I finally realize how exhausting that lifestyle was. How at the end of the day, it left me feeling more empty and more stressed about the fact that I’ll never be able to live up to these images I’ve created for myself.
So that’s where I’m at. Currently in the process of becoming comfortable without my shell. (Naked and unashamed if you will). Trying to figure out what‘s real and what was just an image in my life. Becoming confident with who God created me to be and the silly little personality traits that He’s given me! I’ve been making a list of the things that I genuinely like and my real opinions about different topics. Because for so long I’ve just gone along with what others like or believe, and it’s time for a change. I’m in a place where I can think clearly and express my opinion because I’m not afraid of how people will react.
I’m okay with the fact that I’ll disappoint people and that I won’t live up to everyone’s expectations. I’m okay disagreeing with people and standing up for causes I believe in. I’m at a place where I want to start going deeper with the people that I care about rather than focusing so much attention on getting people to like me. I want to ask the hard questions, say the hard things, and have hard conversations because those are what ultimately grow friendships. And in the past, I’ve strayed away from those conversations in fear of getting rejected, but now I’m in a place where I’m realizing that those hard moments are often what make friendships deeper and more real and where trust is formed.
I can’t even explain in words how free I feel this morning! I just have this crazy peace from The Lord and I’m thinking about my friendships and how I can’t wait to have hard convos and just be real with everyone around me!!! No more shells. Just pure love, walking naked and unashamed around people, rooting myself deeper and deeper into the arms of my Father.
