2016.
Travelled to 4 countries and 12 states, went on a few backpacking trips, had an accounting internship in Chicago, worked at a summer English Institute in Cali, made new friends, lived in a house with some amazing gals, graduated college, committed to a full-time job next semester, and committed to the World Race.
It all looks great on paper, right?? I truly had one of the best years yet, and I am beyond thankful for all of these experiences. However, somewhere in 2016, pride started to grip my heart more tightly than it ever has before. I started to forget basic truths about my faith, and it caused me to put a lot of walls up between my closest friends and me. I lacked vulnerability in friendships, and made it look like I had it all together.
Somewhere in 2016, I turned the gospel into something that I would rely on when it was convenient. I thought I was doing everything right; reading the Bible most mornings, discipling girls, leading a Bible study, being intentional with friends, etc. But it’s not about what I was doing on the outside; the problem in 2016 was that my heart wasn’t in it.
Drifting from God is a real thing, and you don’t even realize it’s happening. Hebrews 2:1 says “Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it.” The hard thing is, I was spending time with The Lord every day, but I just wasn’t as connected as usual; I was reading with my eyes, but not hearing with my heart. Throughout the fall semester, I felt a strange numbness in my relationship with The Lord, and I couldn’t figure out why. I would talk to friends and mentors to find temporary fixes, but I would find myself falling back into this numbness not long after. This drifting and numbness caused me to be distant in friendships, inattentive in Bible study, uncaring about people’s lives, less vulnerable, and a harder person to be around in general.
Finally, at IndyCC (a Cru Christmas conference), God started to break down the pride in my heart. He spoke to me through the speakers and reminded me that I need to depend on Christ daily. It’s not a one and done sort of thing.
Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” [Matthew 16:24]
Somewhere in 2016, I forgot that I need to make a choice every day to die to myself and live for Jesus. And choosing to live for Jesus is going to result in WAY more love and joy and peace than I would be able to have if I were to live for myself everyday. Living for Jesus doesn’t guarantee that my life will be easy and comfortable—it’s actually kind of the opposite—but living for Jesus does guarantee a life full of a love greater than anything I will ever be able to comprehend.
It’s easy to feel entitled to things in life because we “do good things.” But actually, we’re not entitled to anything. Because of sin, we deserve a life way worse than the one that we’re given. We deserve eternity in hell upon death. “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ” [Ephesians 2:4-5]. God has given us the greatest gift ever: Jesus! Because of Him, we are able to have eternal life in heaven if we choose to follow Jesus. Somewhere in 2016, I began choosing to follow myself instead of Jesus, and that’s the reason that I felt so numb.
So, 2016, you’ve taught me a lot. Thanks for the amazing memories, experiences, and friendships during that time. I don’t want to minimize the great times that I had in 2016, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t pumped for 2017. I’m excited to choose to deny myself everyday and live for Christ! I’m excited to start to kill the pride that has been gripping my heart for so long and love people more than I ever have before! It won’t be easy, but it will be possible with the Holy Spirit inside of me.
Peace out 2016, let’s make 2017 a great year!! (Lord-willing, of course)
