Before coming to Africa, I had a lot of expectations, hopes and dreams for what was going to come and for where I would be presently. At the end of last month I wrote down a prayer of mine being real, vulnerable and not holding anything back, telling God how I truly felt. I believe that God can move mountains and that he will move mountains in my life. He has already started and although I am awaiting some…I stand confident in His Goodness that he will.
Lord, where are you? I earnestly search for you and cannot find you. Where have you gone? I know that you are there, but I cannot see you. As I peel off the blind folds put on from the world I still do not see you.
I continue to fix my problems so I can see you but it still does not work. I am not sure what to do anymore. I long for your touch, for your voice, for your eyes, for your guidance, for your visible love, and for your tangible self.
I want to see you, feel you, hear you, and experience you!
I sit here awaiting your reply…respond! Anything!!!
I sit here waiting and waiting trying to figure out what I have to do differently in order for you to show up so bluntly…at least once in my entire life, 23 years!
I know you have been on my side throughout my life, but I want you to be up in my face so tangibly that I fall to my knees.
I stop and look up at the door in some last desperation, hope that you are there…something; a word, a vision, a noise, a voice, you…anything.
Lord I want you so much!
I cast out any doubt that is in me and say be gone! I don’t want anything to do with it. I cast out past thoughts or experiences, or therefore lack of experiences and say that it is the past and that holds no bondage on me now.
I live in the present and will see God moving in the present. I don’t have to wait for something to happen and look back at that time to then realize God was there or somewhere around me and realize that I had missed it in the moment. I want to be in the moment, I want to experience God now!!!
Not later. I also don’t want to say ‘Oh, I’m sure it will happen in the future.’ I want live in it now and always be in it. I don’t want to be told that the future looks exciting to as what God is going to do. I want it to be done now, why wait when I can live in it now.
BUT, then what even is ‘it’, what even is this thing I’m looking for? Could it be hitting me in the face and me not even knowing it? I could say yes, but I am going to say no. No because I want you to be so up in my face that even the greatest doubter would have to believe and could not doubt.
I have a steadfast faith Lord and have had one for a very long time but I am sick of complacency and being steadfast.
I want to be radical.
I want to be vivid.
I want to live as though I couldn’t live without you and that would be self-evident through my actions, my words, my thoughts, and even my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.
It would be so clear that you are in my life that there couldn’t be any room for doubt. You would fill me up and overflow my cup into everyone around me. That you would be the only thing filling up my cup and satisfying my thirst and that I wouldn’t want anything else but you to fill my cup.
Lord, I come to you humbly…just a man on his face looking for his Father to show him the way.
Looking for guidance, wisdom and love from the Almighty creator.
I don’t feel worthy but I cannot run or shy away. I will do anything to be with you.
I will go to all ends of the earth just to see you one time, to hear your voice, experience you the way we were meant to be, Father and Son.
So I beg you Lord to swallow me up in your never ending grace and wash me clean. Make me anew in what you have created me to be.
With much love,
Your beloved son,
Michael Shane Murphy Wingrove
Matthew 7:7-8
Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks.
