Have you ever had those moments in life where you look back and have no idea how things have all changed so much in a relatively short amount of time like 3ish year span? Sometimes the changes are subtle other times they are pretty fast.
This week was one of those weeks for me. Honestly this week felt like a rollar coaster of emotions. Sunday I was crying and wasnt 100% sure why. Monday I was crying because I thought my time with the world race was up, I looked at my situation and came up with the conclusion it was over all on my own without talking to or consulting anyone. No one told me it was over, no one told me I couldnt continue. I just made an assumption based on what I could see. Tuesday I was joyful because i was like NO my time is not up, literally I dont even know why I allowed myself to think that it was when no one said it was, except for my own head. I had to remember that I walk by faith and not by sight. Wednesday I was overwhelmed with Gods goodness because I found out for sure my time with the world race is not over. Grace has been extended to me again, though I dont deserve it. I was undone. Then I got to talk to one of my squad mates for 2 hours on the phone. It honestly felt like 5 minutes that’s how well we get along and communicate. It was literally such a breathe of fresh air, and made me so much more excited for what is to come as if that is even posible! Today (Thursday morning) I woke up, and just spent some time reflecting on the past few days, and then even the past few years and how even just one year ago I would have handled all of this much differently.
I realized how proud I am of myself and the growth I have experienced over the past few years.
I used to HATE thinking about myself and reflecting on my own self / emotions / actions. I would have no problem loving other people most of the time but when it came to me I simply ignored. At that time I wouldnt have said I loved myself. Disliked myself. Or even Hated myself. I wouldn’t say anything concerning myself because I literally would just block me off I was indifferent when it came to Michelle. I didnt even allow myself to think of myself enough to come up with a opinion on myself.
I was super emotional (and let’s be honest I still am at times, hello did you read how much I cried this week ?? ) and I felt as if everyone around me was annoyed at that and therefore annoyed at me. I remember in college I was in a bad spot. I had started to actually think about myself, and not great thoughts came in. My college roommate and her boyfriend at the time encouraged me to go to see a counselor because they were free on campus. I decided to go ahead and go. I got in and the lady asked me VERY basic questions, like what are your hobbies (I still dont like this question today, because like I dont know… ??) what is your favorite color….. like literally BASIC questions about WHO I AM. With each response I mumbled I dont know. Question after question my answer was the same I. Dont. Know. I remember my heart breaking as I realized I was 20 something years old and I didnt even know who I was, what I liked what I didnt like. What made me happy vs what I assumed made other people happy. Then I felt embarrassed or ashamed because this lady must think I am being defiant and just not answering her questions… I ended up never going back because I came to the conclusion I was waisting her time.
All these years I had blocked myself off from my own self. I was having an identity crisis. WHO AM I? I then got into a relationship it was my first serious relationship. The problem though was I didnt know who I was, and I was looking for this guy to give me those answers.
Well eventually 3ish years later that relationship came to an end. So now my identity that I created was based off of my education, which i couldnt find a job in, and of what this guy thought about me. Both of these things lead me back to square one. WHO AM I? Because if I am my education I must not be great, because no one wanted to hire me. If I was what this guy thought about me, I must not be great because he didnt want to stay. I was left feeling confused and lost. I knew deep down there was something good in me, but all I felt was worthless.
I moved back in with my parents, and I felt alone. I knew I wasnt I knew my parents loved me. I knew my friends around me loved me, but I didnt know how to communicate with them about what was going on inside of me. I am SO SO SO thankful for EVERYONE that was in my life during that tough season. You all loved me so well, and if I didnt see it then I see it now and I THANK YOU. I still felt alone though. I didnt know who I was and I didnt know who to talk to about this.
I have been a Christian since I was 16. So, I did the only thing I really knew how to do I turned to my Bible. (Which if I am being honest if I would have done this more way back when I was 16, I may have figured all this out sooner) I was going to Bible studies like 2 times a day as I was looking for work. I just emerged myself with Gods word and He began to become more than just this God I know about and that I knew about for so long. He moved from my head to my heart. He went from being a God I read about, to a God I felt was right there with me. He had been there all along but I was so caught up in focusing on myself (or not focusing on myself) I missed it. My relationship with him over the past 3 years has grown TREMENDOUSLY.
I began to realize that he created me in my mothers womb.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Psalms 139:13 NLT
I began to realized I was fearfully and wonderfully made
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalms 139:14 NIV
I began to realize that he would never leave me nor forsake me
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV
I began to realize he is with me THROUGH ANYTHING.
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
Isaiah 43:2 NLT
And I began to realize that he is IN me
When I am raised to life again, you will know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.
John 14:20 NLT
Not only is He In me but he LOVES me
I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me.
John 17:23 NLT
To continue on his love
“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16 NLT
And last one he loved me EVEN WHEN I was i was sinner. He still died for me.
But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.
Romans 5:8 NLT
As I began to understand his love for me.
As I allowed this to penetrate deep within me. I have slowly but surely been able to love myself. Love who I am, because I am a child of God.
So as I look back on this week. I am so proud of myself. I cried my eyes out prematurely. I entertained a few lies of the enemy. FOR ONE DAY. That was it. Just one day. Literally the next day it was like night and day. There was hope. There was truth. There was an understanding of WHO I AM regardless of circumstances regardless of other peoples opinions. Regardless of anything I know I am a child of God. 3 years ago, Monday would have ruined at least a week if not a month for me.
I say all this to encourage those who read this. You are not your circumstance. You are loved. You are valued. And YOU DO NOT have to believe the lies of the enemy. You do not have to isolate yourself. There has been so much freedom for me over the past few years and ESPECIALLY the past few weeks as I have dived even deeper into these truths I have mentioned above. I also say this to let you know if you are in a tough spot, dont give up! One day you will look back and you wont believe how far you have come.
Thanks for reading!
Michelle
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