Yesterday I listened.
I’ve been struggling this past week…feelings of inadequacy, not good enough and self doubt kept/keeps popping up in my mind. Grocery shopping for 6? Free style cooking every day? (Thank you Jesus for Raquel) Walking up hills and praying? Street evangelism? What does being led by the Spirit even mean? Do I even hear God or am I just following what I think is expected of me?
But what I am finding is that somehow Jesus still uses me with all that junk dominating my thoughts.
One day this week, Samuel and I decided to do a prayer walk of thanksgiving – just walking to all the places the team has been and thanking Jesus for what he did and to continue moving. We walked by a house where two teens lived, we past the bus station where we had talked to a declared ex-gangster, we prayed over the church we’ve been attending, we discovered where Alberto goes to school and prayed around the towns welcome center, a place where we continue to gather and converse with so many people. It was amazing to realize and just thank God for the people we have met and the work He is doing in this city. But then, we started back ‘home’ and I prayed for a street we often pass through. After my prayer, Samuel tells me that my Spirit led prayer filled him with peace.
Earlier in the week, my team had given me some feedback that they appreciated my gentle and calm spirit.
Alberto gave me three words to describe myself: strong, peaceful and patient.
Peaceful??? But my head feels like a wrestling match. I so desperately want to hear from Jesus and I try to quiet my thoughts and be still. Yet, I find myself thinking in whirlwinds.
In my quiet time, God speaks through Isaiah and says, “my friend – I brought you from the ends of the earth and called you from its farthest corners. I said to you: you are my servant; I have chosen you; I haven’t rejected you…I will hold on to you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41)
So yesterday I listened.
I listened to a man named Frank. He speaks a mixture of English, Spanish and maybe creole. He wears a camouflaged fishing hat, a too big or stretched out T-shirt and baggy pants. His hands were dirty but I shook them anyways. There were definitely times when I could not understand and he would try again but I stood there looking him in the eyes and listened. I listened and watched tears fall. He tells me truths about God that makes me nod in agreement. Yes Frank, God loves you and is always there for you. Then next he tells me sometimes he wishes he would die. I ask to pray for him and he says yes. So I touch his shoulder and pray to Our Father who is a good good Father. I listen more. Later he places his hand on my shoulder and mine on his and he asks me to pray again. So I did.
My feet were getting tired but I stood there and listened. I gave him a couple eggs and my teammate gives him water. He asks us not to forget him and to keep praying for him. We assure him we will not and will see him again before we leave. Finally he says God bless you and walks away.
I’m still not completely sure what Frank is going through. He mentioned wanting a job but not having one. He mentioned 4 kids. He talked a lot about God and his provision. All I know is that God loves him. And I know that, despite my own doubts, God still chose me to listen to Frank. In the listening, I feel like God was able to bring hope to Frank. I don’t know how God will use that time I spent with Frank, but I know that I did my part and Jesus will do the rest.
I’m learning that in my weaknesses He is strong. Jesus will hold me by his hand. He has called me for a righteous purpose. But also He delights in me. (Isaiah 42:1,6) As I rest in His delight and listen to Jesus, I can walk out in His Spirit. When I cling to these words, I have peace.
Thank you for all who are praying for me. Pray that I would not allow the doubts and lies to invade my mind but that I would cling to Jesus and His word. Please pray for Frank also. Pray that he would not give up and that he would surrender his circumstances and his life to Jesus who is the bread of Life.
Love you!
Dios de bendiga
