I’m going to be honest…I often hear this in my mind. You see for so long I had tried to do everything to avoid failure. I always tried to follow the rules and be good. In school, I worked hard to keep a high GPA. In church, I went to youth group and memorized verses and was in leadership positions to teach and volunteer.
I admit sometimes this need to NOT fail looked like quitting far too early. For example, in high school one year I thought about trying out for softball (I hadn’t played since 4th grade). I always thought it sounded so fun to be on a team. It might have been senior year and I went to try out. But then all these doubts and questions came “what if I didn’t make it?” “What if I look stupid?” “What if the players don’t like me?” All these excuses and fears came bubbling up and after 2 days, I quit the tryouts!
In college, I actually did fail.
I went to KU for four years. I had planned to finish in 5 years with a mathematics degree and a teaching license. I was involved with Navigators and expanded my bible knowledge and comfort zone with new friends and new adventures. I became a bible study leader. By all appearances, I was doing well but my own identity of being an “A” student and a ‘good’ Christian was shattering.
In the midst of being involved in campus ministry, being a Resident Assistant and a student, I became depressed. Eventually, it took over enough that I started ‘getting sick’ a lot and hiding in my dorm room. I made it through junior year and kept telling myself that I was fine. I knew I had a relationship with Jesus so depression shouldn’t be that big a deal for me. Actually, my thought was I am a Christian I shouldn’t be depressed. So I kept pushing and hiding it.
Then in the spring of my senior year, I hit a wall. In February, I had already missed so many classes that one of my professors had contacted my RA supervisor. I kept promising I would do better and go to class but often I laid in bed avoiding all feelings and expectations by binge watching TV or reading fiction. I remember several times hiding in my room and avoiding answering the knocks of my residents. Then the final straw – my RA supervisor told me that I couldn’t be an RA anymore because my grades were too low. (I had already been on probation due to my grades from last semester).
The problem with hiding is that eventually things are found out. After the meeting with my supervisor, I remember the thought I am a failure running through my mind. There was so much fear and shame from all the lies and hiding. I drove home with my tail in between my legs and my eyes red and swollen with tears. (I thank Jesus that I made it home that day.) On the drive, I called my dad – I don’t even know if he could understand me because of how upset I was…it was the day that every illusion that I was ok or could still fix it was finally busted. Every fear of people finding out how much I sucked was realized. It was the day that failure was cemented as my identity.
Yet, even still those feelings and that thought were lies from the enemy. Looking back, I can see how Jesus and my dad showered me with grace and love. I arrived home with no one home and I felt even more dejected. But then, not more than 10 minutes later my dad races through the driveway, comes through the door and gathers me in his arms.
I think those minutes in my dad’s arms was when I finally allowed Holy Spirit to start the healing process. More healing happened when I stepped into the light and repented to more people. The next several years, Jesus kept pursuing me and drawing me closer to Him. Through the love of my people and the love of Jesus, my depression has lifted and it doesn’t’ define me. I have confidence that Jesus will cover me and restore me. Instead of failure, my identity is being transformed into a new creation. Jesus gives me confidence to stand firm in His truth.
This is my testimony. I know that I am not that same college drop out person. I admit that when I think back about that time, I still struggle with shame and guilt. But Jesus has restored my faith. He gently and tenderly keeps reminding me of His truth. I am chosen. I am clean. I am His beloved. Even in my hiding, He sees me. Jesus took all my shame and nailed it to the cross. My failure and depression is now a testimony of what Jesus can and will do.
I share my story because I’ve been realizing that God uses my failures for His glory and my good. If that season of my life didn’t happen – first I wouldn’t have met some of my closest friends but more importantly my relationship with Jesus wouldn’t be where it is today. Since that day in my dad’s arms, Jesus has changed my heart and given me a new boldness and passion for Him.
So as I leave for these next 11 months, (only 5 more days!) I know that there will be failures. But I can stand strong in that Jesus will cover and redeem those for His glory and my good. Instead of hiding, I will remain in the light. The enemy wants me to hide in fear and failure. But the things that I call failures and fears are the very things that Jesus uses to make me dependent on Him. Psalm 73:26 – “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Every failure that leads me back to Jesus is a victory!
Thank you, Jesus; that every failure that leads me back to You is a victory! Thank you for redeeming my mistakes and shortcomings. Thank you for strength and courage to overcome fears. The joy of obeying you is bigger than any fear. When lies of the enemy continues to overwhelm my mind, Jesus, help me to see your perspective and your goodness. I love you!
