I think with having only 30 days left on this race, I have been more reflective. There have been moments that waves of sadness wash over me. I remember in Vietnam crying in church because of a hymn they sang. This month, I have been reading Breaking Free, where Beth Moore asks the reader to reflect on generational spiritual influence. Honestly, when I think of my Grandma and am so thankful of her spiritual influence. She inspired me. So I wrote a letter to her, trying in some small way to put to words what she meant to me. Thanks again for all your prayers and support. Love you!
Dear Grams,
I left home last October knowing the possibility of not seeing you again was real. Your earthly body kept declining more and more each day — honestly it had been that last year. But I did not want to think about you not surviving my 11 month trip. I thought you had more time. Part of me wishes, now, that I would have delayed coming and spending more time with you — especially since you passed away in month 2. But somehow, God’s timing is always perfect so I trust in Him and in your understanding.
When I found out of your passing, I tried to grieve and comprehend the loss of you. Honestly, Grief is a strange thing. It looks different for everyone and I struggled to know what I needed to process it. I remember writing that I knew this year trip would be a lot of goodbyes but I never thought that one goodbye would be my grandma.
There’s been moments on the race that keeps reminding me of you and I grieve just a little bit more remembering that I will not see you when I get home. (I think for a while it seemed like I still would.) This month, I attended a funeral for a grandparent. I watched them lower the casket down and cover it with dirt and concrete. As they lowered the casket they sang Trust and Obey. (This event prompted this letter.). Even though, you have been gone for months now, Jesus reminded me that it is ok to go back sometimes.
Grams, I think hymns in general remind me of you because you my dear Granny, sang so boldly and loudly. When they sang that song all I could hear was your sweet voice.
I just want to thank you for your influence. Grams, you compelled me to a deeper love for my Savior. I saw how you woke up and studied the Bible. I thought it excessive that you attended every bible study. Yet, now I understand more clearly. You, my dear, knew what was important.
You were always ready to give, love and serve others. Sometimes, I would be annoyed that so many called you Granny because ,excuse me, you were mine! But I knew it was because you loved people so well. You welcomed them and cared for them.
Your joy in Christ was so evident. Growing up, I don’t remember seeing you angry or hearing you complain very often. You always encouraged and was ready to go to God in prayer. I think dementia changed you a little which made me so sad. Sometimes, in the last I remember thinking this was not my joyful grandma. Now, I am so glad that your joy in heaven is complete.
You loved music especially from your grandkids. When I would come and practice piano at your house, I just remember how it made your day. I always felt so loved by you. You wanted to spend all the time with me. I’m sorry for my busyness. But you were always so gracious and willing to make the effort.
Grandma, you taught me the importance of family. Every reunion, family gathering and event I knew you would always vote to meet again and as soon as possible. You were intentional with your family. Whether it was Christmas gifts or a birthday call, you made each person feel loved and seen.
I know this is long, but I just wanted to say again that I was so so SO blessed to get you as my Grandma. Thank you for being so active in my life. Thank you for praying for me and loving me. Thank you for your excitement and pride in what I am doing. Thank you for supporting me always. Thank you for all your calls, teasing and gifts. Thank you for being you.
I already miss your numerous hugs and laughter at corny joke. I know my loss will be more felt at home but I miss you. I wish now that I would have recorded you singing your favorite hymn. Or recorded that last moment together. I can’t wait to praise our Lord and Savior together again. But till then, I want to give everything I have to our God like you did.
Lastly, I love you more than most! (And I hear your laughter right now lol.)
Love your favorite granddaughter. 😉
