I’m in month ten of the race in Cambodia and I’m sitting in the shade of trees, trying to write my first blog of the race.
I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to keep everyone up to date with all the amazing things the Lord has shown me throughout this year. I’ve just had so much fear and anxiety writing out my thoughts about my journey and sharing it to the public. I felt inadequate, constantly believing that everything I wrote sounded stupid and wasn’t good enough to share. I held back and kept convincing myself that there was no point. So I turned to social media, the easiest way to keep people back home somewhat posted. I relied on posting pictures and giving simple updates to make up for not blogging.
So, I’m asking for a clean slate, because I’d love to share something the Lord has been walking me through.
And that’s letting go and asking for help.
It’s probably one of the hardest things for me to do. I remember cringing when I found out that I’d have to fundraise for this trip. The thought of burdening people by asking for money was completely out of line for me. Who am I to deserve someone’s hard earned money? I grew up with the mentality that nothing is ever free. If you help me, I owe you. So, I just had to figure out a way to get myself fully funded without the help of others.
Despite my insecurities, the Lord has been faithful. From the moment I said YES to Him, He’s already provided over $14,500 for me on this race, through my church community, family, friends and people I’ve probably never met who believed in this journey and me. Although I am still fundraising for the race, I am continually learning to completely let go in trying to find ways to fund myself.
Here’s why I believe this blog is the next step in me letting go and obeying Him:
Several months ago in Latvia, I was struggling with anxiety about fundraising. I felt like I had reached out to all the people I knew already and had used up all my resources. I just wanted to figure it out on my own and make a phone call to have the remaining balance of the funds paid off, but the Lord kept telling me NO and to trust and depend on Him to provide.
But I had no idea what that looked like! What steps did I have to take to find peace in letting go of control? In the midst of the emotional chaos, He gave me a really cool vision.
In my hands, I held onto hundreds and thousands of balloons. The balloons in all different colors and sizes represented the things I wasn’t letting go. I felt safe so far from the ground, safe from falling… but then God started to pop the balloons one by one. The thousands slowly became hundreds and soon I was left with only a handful.
I became upset and started shouting at God, “WHY?! Why are you popping them?!? I’m going to fall into the unknown!” I had SO much fear in falling. Tears ran down my face. I held on tightly to the few balloons left. This was all I had known. I wanted to hold on to my own understanding and whatever could be in my control. I wanted to protect myself and keep from falling.
Suddenly, the vision zoomed out and I was able to see myself struggling to stay up with the few balloons I had left. I was so scared that I’d fall but right below me was Jesus with His arms wide open, ready to catch me. He had been there all along. He was just waiting for me to let go of those few balloons. I had learned to let go of the thousands that the Lord popped but there were just a few more things He wanted me to fully surrender to Him before He could catch me and take me into His arms.
I believe that writing this blog and asking for help is my last balloon. It’s a sign of me breaking off the FEAR of writing blogs and sharing my feelings. I have FREEDOM because I’ve obeyed the Lord by letting go and asking for your help.
I have only $1,929 left to become fully funded. Would you help me reach the finish line so that I can spend the remaining six weeks fully present?
