Sloppy.Messy.Challenging.Awkward.Uncomfortable.Difficult.About time….. these words describe what it’s been like to work on my communication skills lately, or lack of. I came to a sobering realization last night, laying in my sleeping bag in my tent: it’s time to GROW THE HECK UP!
I’m 30 years old & i realized i absolutely SUCK at communicating. Yes, i said the word suck in a blog. Best way that i can describe my lack of skills. All my life i have bottled up my emotions inside & then blown up, like someone shaking a Pepsi bottle & then opening it up…only to have it explode everywhere & make a big old mess. I look back on my relationships with my friends, family, dating & see where my lack of communication skills caused major problems & complications. I have learned some pretty bad habits along the way in life. Habits that i need to ditch. Bad habits like shutting down emotionally when i felt misunderstood or hurt. Running away from conflict & disagreements when they didnt go MY way & slamming the door. Not being vocal & speaking up for myself when i should, but yet bottling up frustration inside for not speaking up. Expecting people to be mind-readers & then getting upset when they dont know what i want or need. Feeling hurt by someone & never telling them WHAT they did or confronting them, & building up bitterness inside towards them & unforgiveness. The list goes on. You can see how these unhealthy habits can lead to messy complications.
Being on the World Race, we are FORCED into situations where we HAVE to communicate & confront. We HAVE to go to each other within 24 hours if we have an issue with a team mate. We cant run away from each other or the conflict..which leaves me in a sticky situation…..i HAVE to work on my communication skills. I have to grow up & learn HOW to communcate in a healthy, loving way. At home, i can choose my friends & who i hang out with. When we choose our friends, we tend to gravitate towards people who are JUST LIKE US, go figure. People who we clique with & have a lot in common with. Well, our team mates were placed together on our team by AIM. All 6 of us come from very different places & backgrounds & have very different personalities, sense of humors, way we deal with conflict, personal space, emotions, communication….etc. I love them all, dont get me wrong, but the differences definitely make us all have to put the extra effort in to LEARN how to LOVE each other & LEARN how to communicate with each other in a way that is honest, real & healthy. Easier said then done, right? What does it mean to be real? Most of my life ive been a people pleaser, never wanting to rub someone the wrong way, in fear of what they may think or fear of them not liking me if i was brutally honest. But God is teaching me that when you really love someone, sometimes you have to be real with them & confront them in love…& they may not like you that moment or for a little bit, but it’s ok. ITS OK. That’s what im learning. Sometimes you have to get in someone’s face & tell it like it is, instead of being passive aggressive & not communicating. It’s messy, it’s challenging, & it’s uncomfortable. But our team is a safe place to practice it & we all care about each other & love each other as sisters & brothers in Christ. Each one of us shows love in different ways & feels loved in different ways, so we are all learning how to adapt to each other & learn what makes each other mad, sad, & happy. I know it’s pathetic that im learning this at age 30, but hey…better now then never, right?! I know God is preparing me for marriage someday. Cant have a healthy good marriage without good communication skills. Friendships are ruined when communication is not practiced. Life in general is not fully lived abundantly, i believe, without good communication. I feel like i missed out on a lot of opportunities in my life due to this, & i refuse to miss out on more…so im growing & learning! Why am i sharing this with you all? Because as my supporters, friendss & family…you are helping me with this growth & a part of my journey. Some of you have been affected personally by my lack of communication skills…especially my close friends & family….and to you guys…i personally want to say..thank you for your patience & grace…and apologize for my impatience & lack of grace at times. I also think that im not the only one who struggles with this, so i hope you as readers can identify with these struggles also & realize you arent alone. haha. I know we are all a work in progress & i know that i am a new creation in Christ everyday. He is constantly molding me, refining me, disciplining me,correcting me, guiding me, loving me & teaching me how to live more like Him. Wont be perfect until Heaven, haha, but hey….i want to always be progressing & learning & improving. God did not give us a spirit of fear!! So im learning to deal with my fears head on. God isnt interested in me being comfortable….He’s more interested in my character.He calls us to put aside our childish ways.Time to create & develop healthy habits & deconstruct/destroy unhealthy learned behaviors. Cheers to that! So the journey continues……
