As you have probably noticed, as more and more of my Race has passed, the less and less I’ve blogged. It’s not because there isn’t enough happening, it’s that too much is happening. I don’t know how to bridge the gap from here to there and I don’t know how to put words to everything that is happening here. I sit in front of this computer screen for hours, trying to figure out just how to explain to you how much has happened this year and how God showed up. I could give you story after story, but would that do it justice? I want so badly for you all to understand what has happened here and it’s caused kind of a writer’s block and prevented me from telling you much of anything at all.
So here’s the deal: World Race want us all to do an “End of the Race” blog, with all my thoughts and feelings about the last year of my life, all tied up neatly in a bow. The problem is I don’t know what I’m feeling, it’s one of those times in your life when you have a ton of thoughts and they aren’t necessarily connected in any way. Some of my squadmates use their blogs as an avenue to process their time on the Race and I don’t like that, because every part of me loves when my thoughts are neatly collected, processed, and have an end conclusion before I share them with even the people I’m the closest to, much less the whole world. Thus creating the lapse of blogs. I’m realizing, with the end of the Race rapidly approaching, that I may not have thoughts or feelings gathered for quite some time. So I’m gonna try this thing where I process my life, with you, in real time and see how this works because I’m not sure of what else to do. These are raw, unedited thoughts, straight from my head to paper, they aren’t neat, or well thought out, and they may not be the kindest of words. It’s going to be messy and maybe rambly and probably won’t have a beautiful or eloquent conclusion so just bear with me and extend some grace.
Since my last blog, my squad has been to both Mongolia and China. We were paired with two other teams in Mongolia, which created kind of a “mega team” of seventeen of my squadmates all doing ministry alongside of me. We worked with a church in Ulan Baatar, with the purpose of drawing the younger generation back to church, creating a revival among the young people. In China, my team and I worked with an organization in Xi’an, sharing the Gospel daily with college students and praying over new campuses that would open in the Fall. We just arrived in Hwaseong, Korea two days ago, where we will be working with the elderly at a nursing home. We are now officially in our last month of the Race. I will be stepping foot on American soil in just 22 days. And that is crazy. As my thoughts wander to home, I begin to think about what it’s going to be like to see people that I haven’t seen in an entire year. I am already overwhelmed by the thought of being asked, “How was your trip?”, because for me, it wasn’t just a trip, it was my life. This was my life, and my home, and my community for an entire year, and how is a person supposed to sum up a year of their life in a sentence or two? And yet, I know I will be expected to. For the past 295 days, I have dreamed of America, of this country I love and call home. I talk proudly of being an American and look forward, with great anticipation, to the day I get to return to the place I call “home”. We spend a fair amount of time on the Race talking about the U.S., current events, food, luxuries, and people. It’s hard being in one country when you feel like you belong to a completely different side of the world, that home is on the opposite end of the earth. And yet, I know that as soon as I return to America, my conversations will shift to Asia, that there will be days that I long to be back here. I think part of my heart will always feel like Asia was home. Am I even going to feel at home in America, in my own “home”? So much has happened in the States since we left, as a country and within my own community. Am I going to recognize it? And so much has changed within me. Are people going to recognize the changes inside of me? Or are they only going to see the me that they last saw 11 months ago? People expect you to fit in this box, this preconceived notion of who they know you to be, and I don’t know if I fit into my box anymore, the box of who I was when I left 295 days ago. Are they going to be okay with that? Or are they going to try to squeeze me back into the box of who I used to be? In Asia, the American in me doesn’t fit in. People will always know that I’m not from here, that I’m different. But in America, am I even going to fit in there anymore? Do I even fit in where I am supposed to belong? It’s a scary thought of not having anywhere to belong.
Don’t misunderstand me though; I am also super excited to be heading back to the States! I am excited to eat all the good foods. To have American food at every corner and drivethrus and delivery. I’m excited for good coffee and for my own car and space. I am excited to have a real bed and shower and a microwave and to flush all the toilet paper I want. I’m excited for convenience and comfort. I’m clearly excited for some of the luxuries of life that I will have after not having them for a year. More than any of these things, I’m excited to be with the people that I haven’t seen in a year, my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my church. It’s going to be really sweet to catch up on the last year of our lives and to continue on in our relationships, stronger because of the Race.
But, if I’m being 100% real with you, like I promised you I would, one of the biggest reasons I’m excited to go back to the States, is because I’m tired and I am greatly looking forward to some time to just rest and rejuvenate when I return home.
In every shape and form of the word, I am extremely exhausted.
And I just want it to be okay and understandable that I am tired. I am done receiving all these different ways that I could get un-tired, in the name of everything good and holy, just let me be tired.
And I finally have begun to understand just how tired I am. That no matter how many times I cry and then get back up again, ready to fight, it’ll only be a matter of time before I fall down in exasperation again.
I’m realizing that somewhere around the Philippines, I started getting tired, and for the last three months I have viewing everything on the Race almost as a chore. I have to go to ministry today. I have to pray for these people. I have to love my community and do feedback. I have to. I’ve been excited to go home because in America I don’t “have” to do anything I don’t want to do. Last month, in China, one of our contacts reminded me that ministry is a privilege, that we don’t have to, but we get to serve. We have a unique opportunity to serve the Lord in exactly the way He designed us to. We get to. Sometime in the last three months, I forgot that, I forgot that I get to serve my Creator and started having to. And the thing is, yes the Lord called me to the World Race, that was my calling for one year and though that time is almost over, my calling as a follower of Christ is far from over. I will go home, back to Chattanooga, and my calling to serve is not over. And if I keep living in a have to serve mentality, I’m gonna die. I physically will be unable to continue on with anything, if I am as tired as I currently am for the rest of my life, I can’t. And there’s a high possibility that He’s not through with my time overseas just yet, I have a deep suspicion that I will be back on the international mission field at some point in the next few years. I can’t continue to operate like this.
I think about who I was when I stepped on the Race in India, 295 days ago. Back before I knew much of anything. Before I had seen and heard all the things that I have now. Before Papa walked me through gobs of freedom. Before I knew what love was or how to be a part of a community. Or anything. I never want to be that girl again. I never want to go back to who I was before the Race, but one thing that girl has that I am missing is wonder. I stepped onto the Race with nothing else but a heart full of wonder and a head full of ideas on how I would get to serve my God this year. Somewhere along the way, the Race became normal life and I lost a sense of that wonder and somewhere I got tired and lost my “get to” mentality and gained a “have to” attitude and lots of exhaustion. My prayer for myself this month is that I can remember month 1, that I can still look at the world with the eyes of a brand new Racer, wondering and marveling at everything around me and that I can relearn what it means to get to serve my Father.
Thanks for bearing with me through this blog and for walking alongside of me this year. Thank you for all the encouragements and blessings you have given me throughout the last 295 days. I could not have done this alone.
I plan to post one last blog, at the end of the month, concluding our time on the field and the end of this season.
Love you all.
