I enjoy writing immensely; it is something that has always come very naturally to me. I’ve always had a much easier time explaining my thoughts on paper rather than trying to verbalize them . But this post has been increasingly difficult for me to write. Even now, as I am typing, I’m not too sure what I am trying to say, how to end it, or even how to start it. My thoughts are moving at a rate that I can’t keep up with and so I cannot write because I am struggling to pinpoint specific thoughts and feelings.
God, give me words.
I think anyone who knows me knows how much I love Chattanooga. I mean, really, what’s not to love?? So as you can imagine leaving Chattanooga has been rather difficult. Over the last week, since graduation, I have experienced a collection of emotions: sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, hurt, emptiness, and did I mention sadness? This week has been full of tears, which is normally out of character for me, but I think has been my body’s way of trying to express and sort through all the emotions waging war inside me.
I believe there are two types of college graduates: the ones who have had it with school and have never been so ready to leave and the ones who want to slow it all down, who entertain thoughts of taking extra classes, intentionally failing classes, or switching majors to something crazy, just to squeeze out even a few more moments of college life. I fall into the latter category. On paper I was ready to graduate, but in my heart, I was far from ready to graduate; it was the moment I had been dreading for quite some time.
A few days after graduation, the night before I was leaving Chattanooga, I got in my car and started driving, with no particular destination, just driving, one last time, around the city that had captured my heart. I ended up on top of Lookout Mountain. This was my third time here post-graduation, 1) because it’s my favorite place in Chattanooga, 2) because it’s absolutely breathtaking, 3) it’s where I often escape to be alone, just me and God, and I was ready, at that moment, to give Him a piece of my mind.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with Chattanooga, let me give you a little glimpse of my view on this night:
So as I sat there in a place that felt so familiar yet so foreign, so safe yet so terrifying, I began to cry. During those last hours in Chattanooga, the ready-for-anything face I had worn for the past four years completely melted away. “I don’t want to go, God. I’m not ready to leave.” I felt, in that moment, as if someone was pulling out the center of my heart. I sat there for a very long time, willing my brain to store the view in front of me for the many, many nights I knew were coming where I was going to be away from it. I just sat there looking down at Chattanooga. This place where I spent a year desperately fighting for independence, running from God, and learning many hard lessons from many mistakes. This place where He so lovingly stopped me in my tracks, took me in His arms, and because of His mercy and redemption, called me His daughter. This place where I learned everything I knew about the Lord and what it meant to have a relationship with Him. This place where God gave me a heart for missions, that sent me to California and to East Asia for two summer mission trips. This place where I learned what it meant to love people and let them love me in return, planting the seeds of many beautiful friendships. This place that has been my greatest battlefield, fighting off addictions and fighting for freedom. And this place that has been my greatest playground, full of great memories, crazy adventures, plenty of mishaps, ridiculous plans, and laughing really, really hard.
And as I sat there, trying my hardest to remember everything that ever happened to me in college, complaining to God about how I wanted to stay forever and it wasn’t fair that I had to leave, and this was my home, blah, blah, blah, a song that my church plays often came on my iPod, “Dear Refuge of My Weary Soul”, and I was reminded that as dear as Chattanooga is to my heart, it is not my home.
“Hast Thou not bid me seek Thy face
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace
Be deaf when I complain?
No, still the ear of sovereign grace
Attends the weeper’s prayer
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there
YOU WHO ARE MY REFUGE, MY HOME
IN YOU, I WILL ABIDE”
I still have many emotions that need processing and I am still sad that this beloved chapter of my life has come to a close, but I am trying not to let my emotions paralyze me. I am trying to look to the many exciting things that lie ahead, and know that there will be other chapters of my life that will be equally as sweet as college. So today, I will not live in the past or let my emotions rule me and paralyze me, but instead look up to God, my Refuge, and forward, with joy, to the next chapter in my life: The World Race.
“But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my RACE with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God.” Acts 20:24
God, Thank You so much for blessing me with four great years in Chattanooga, with friends, a church, and a campus ministry that have become my family. Thank You for using this time in college to capture my heart and draw me back to You. Help me to remember these places here on earth are not my home and that my heart’s home is in You, God. Wherever You are, take me there!
(Notice this blog is done in Blue and Gold because apparently I’m a Moc forever and a lifetime learner and all that so… HORAHH to being UTC alumna!)
