I know, I know… it’s been a long time since I’ve written one of these. I could give you a hundred excuses as to why, but I’ll spare us both. All I can and will say is I’m sorry, I will try to be more diligent about sharing my experiences with you all.
Let me catch you up a bit before I start this blog:
So much has happened since the last time you heard from me and my writer’s block began. We left Vietnam and we got assigned a new “temporary” team for the month of Malaysia. While there, my team and I worked with kids, teaching English. We lived in a very small town in the heart of the Malay jungle. During the month, our team stayed in tents and it was incredibly hot, I’ve never experienced heat quite to that level before. The jungle produced some of the scariest, loudest bugs I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Ministry was really hard and we had lots of trouble with our contacts. All of that to say that Malaysia was not my favorite country on the Race, by any stretch of the imagination, but it was one of my favorite months on this journey. You see, God showed up in MASSIVE ways during month seven for me and radically changed my life. Towards the beginning of the Race, the Lord revealed to me an issue that has been a struggle for over a decade of my life, and I have spent most of the Race trying to figure all of that out. In Malaysia, He finally brought all the pieces of together and unlocked a whole new world of freedom for me to walk into and it’s been beautiful. It has radically changed the way I view my relationships, my family, the Lord, and even strangers. I planned for this blog to be about that experience, unfortunately for the past few weeks, I have been unable to find the words to verbalize it all in a blog. I am still praying for words and will try to post a blog more about that later. In the meantime, to continue catching you up, at the end of Malaysia, most of my “temporary” team became my permanent team and will most likely be the people I am finishing out the Race with. We are now in the Philippines, living and working at a children’s home on a tiny Filipino island called Bohol. We have really loved our time here with the kids and each month I work with children, I begin to have a better understanding of how to connect with them. On Friday, my team leaves for Mongolia, where we will be working with two other teams (a total of seventeen girls!) to minister to high schoolers and young adults in the capital of Mongolia.
Now that you are all caught up, let me tell you a little bit about what God is teaching me right now:
During our time in the Philippines, I have been studying Jesus’ relationships with his disciples and how He loved them. As I am finishing this, I came across a passage that I think is super interesting.
“After this Jesus revealed Himself again to the disciples by the Sea of Tiberias, and He revealed Himself in this way. Simon Peter, Thomas, Nathanael, the sons of Zebedee, and two others of His disciples were together. Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.” They said to him, “We will go with you.” They went out and got into the boat, but that night caught nothing.” John 21:1-3
Okay, so let’s back up a little.
Before all this happened, before Jesus came to Peter, before any of the things, Peter was a fisherman.
Then one day, Jesus comes along, and Peter gives up everything to follow Him.
And for three years, he does. He becomes a disciple of Jesus. He’s there for every sermon Jesus preached, he’s there for every miracle, he’s there for it all.
Then, Jesus died. In one day, Peter’s entire reality is shifted. Everything that is important to him is gone. He just watched one of his best friends tortured and killed right before his eyes. He loves Jesus with his whole heart, I mean the guy just spent every waking second with Jesus, I think it is safe to say they are very good friends and that Peter deeply loves Him. But even more than that, he loses his God. He watches everything he knows to be Truth disappear right before his eyes. I would qualify this as the worst day of Peter’s life.
okay so quick recap: Peter was a fisherman, then he’s a disciple, then the worst day ever happens.
So where can we find Peter right after the worst day ever happens?
Life as Peter knew it just ended, and he has no idea what to do. The worst day ever happens and Peter’s first instinct is to go back to what he knows. He just goes back to old habits.
I think the most significant part of this passage, though, is this, “that night they caught nothing.”
Don’t you see, there’s nothing good to go back to.
In about 90 days, the World Race is over for me. I go home. Life as I now know it, will be over. The past year, the Lord has radically changed me. I don’t even recognize that person who stepped foot off the plane in India eight months ago. I have spent this year walking with the Lord in ways I never thought possible, I have seen miracles happen right in front of my eyeballs. And I don’t want to go back. I have seen and learned too much to ever go back to life as I knew it before the World Race.
Here’s the thing though… as of right now, I don’t feel the Lord calling me back onto the mission field immediately. Who knows, maybe someday. I am hopeful, someday. For now, He and I have plans to go back to Chattanooga, as least for a bit of time.
In three months, I am going home to my old life. And I don’t want to. Because there’s nothing good to go back to. Not to say that my life in America is bad. It isn’t. I’m a pretty big fan of it. But after this year, after my life has been touched and changed so completely by Jesus, there’s nothing good to back to. None of the things are good in comparison to a life touched by the Father. Everything else pales in comparison. So yes, I am coming home, to again live in Chattanooga, again frequent many of the same places, again hang out with many of the same people, but I refuse for my life to look the same ever again. I don’t want going home to negate everything that happened this year. I want this year to be a foundation for the beginning of a new life, to look at people like the Father looks at people. Sure, life as I know it on the World Race looks so completely different than life will look in Tennessee, but does that mean I have to look any different?
The story with Peter ends this way, “When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to Him, “Yes Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him a third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to Him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.” John 21:15-17
I don’t think Jesus is worried that Peter doesn’t love Him. I think what Jesus is doing here is refocusing Peter’s priorities. I think the question that Jesus is really asking Peter here is “Am I enough for you, Peter?” Even when times get hard or life as you know it ends abruptly or looks completely different, is Jesus still going to be enough?
In three months, when I go home, and life as I know it is over, is Jesus going to be enough for me? When culture shock is at its worst or I miss the lifestyle that I have now, is Jesus still going to be enough for me? When I get super distracted by a Starbucks on every corner, or Taco Bell, or having a car, or a bed, or alone time, is Jesus still going to be enough for me? I hope that the answer to the question is yes every time. And on the days when it’s not, I trust that God will meet me right where I am and to refocus my priorities, because He’s a good Papa and He loves me just the same, even when I fall back on what is familiar, instead of turning to Him. He lovingly reminds us every time that there is nothing good to go back to. So life as I know it is about to be over, and I’m really okay with that, because He’s enough for me and the life that He offers is so much better.
