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  Why not to go…

After accepting my spot for the race I had a “freak out” kind of week. I started trying to create reasons I shouldn’t go. It’s like the worst parts of me surfaced and I became a commitment phobic once again.  So here was my mental list of why not to go…

Leaving my friends & family for a year…what if they forget me! (silly…I know)
Putting off my long term life plans
It will be hard
Odds of having bad hair days
Leaving my comfy bed
The fact that a roll of toilet paper is on the packing list
Living out of a backpack
The difficult parts of beginning new friendships
Not speaking the languages
This couldn’t possibly be God’s plan
Perhaps I’m being irresponsible
I don’t have anything to offer anyone
Readjusting to life when the trip is over
I can’t possibly raise that money
It could be dangerous
Student loans that need to be paid
I’m not a “good enough” Christian to do this
Having to be new and inexperienced at so many things

I know…I know! I am forced to confront the ugliness. Admitting them to myself was hard. Typing them out is harder. This list does not reflect the voice of my God!          

 When I look at this list all I see are reasons that are ridiculous, selfish excuses, or just plain fears. In fact, these fears perhaps give me more reason to go. I don’t want to live a life of fear. I don’t want to live a life where my biggest concern is my safety or comfort level. I don’t want to live a life built around my story. I want to play my role in God’s!

 So at the beginning of this commitment I found myself wanting to back out. It’s as if lazy Michelle surfaced and everything seemed too much of a struggle. I felt guilty and confused that my doubts were outweighing my excitement and passion to share God’s word. It was a weird place to be. I wasn’t completely aware all this was going on inside of me until I read this paragraph from Kathleen Norris’s book:

  “I find that…stages of impasse are likely to present themselves whenever I am on  the verge of making a new commitment. As I head into the unknown, self-doubts emerge, along with the temptation to settle for less than I had believed possible. If  things go wrong, I at first attempt to place the blame anywhere but on myself.     Finally I am forced to admit that the new venture will come to fruition only if, as  Fitzgerald says, I can make the passage from loving [and] serving…because of  the pleasure and joy it gives…to loving and serving regardless the cost.”

 God used this paragraph helped slap me out of some weird slump I was in. He continued breathing more truth into me the next few days and I had to surrender to Him once again. I wish I could explain this quote and how it spoke to me further but I seem at loss of  adequate words right now. Perhaps more later.
“Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?”  Matthew 16: 24-26
 

By the way…my list of reasons to go is SO much better! Amen!