It was the secound or third night of training camp and we
are all gathered in the pavillion for worship. While everyone was singing
praises I was finding I couldn’t. I was drowning in my own thoughts. I was being
bombarded by thoughts like…
You can’t do this trip. What do you possibly have to share.
You don’t even want to do this. You have no true passion for people. You aren’t
doing this for any of the right reasons. God doesn’t want you going on this
trip…this is all your own doing. You
aren’t even sure about what you believe…
I was honestly at the point where I was going to
have to go to a leader after worship and tell them I needed to pack my bags and
go home the next day. I couldn’t believe that’s what I was thinking but I felt
it to my core…I was consumed with fear and anxiety.
Then the speaker started talking. I almost missed what he
was saying because I couldn’t get past these thoughts. He started talking about
generational sin and other things that keep us tangled with sin. We talked
about forgiveness and worked through some of that. I would go more into it but
its not important right now.
All I know is that in my family and in my own life
anxiety and depression has had a huge foothold. That night I asked God to heal
me of my fear and anxiety. I told Him I believed that He could and to shake any doubt that
lingered in my mind. I asked Him to heal me for His glory and to remove the
lifestyle of fear that has plagued me for so long. And you know what….He did.
After that worship time I couldn’t believe it but I had no
fear left. No inkling of the anxitey that had consumed me earlier that night. I
just stood there in shock! I had felt God’s peace before but this was
different. It was a peace and healing I had not yet experienced. I didn’t know
what to do.
So I went up to a staff member that I had planned on talking
to in my panic and told her what had happened. and how I was so weirded out by what I was experiencing. I
didn’t want to deny what God just did but part of me was still second guessing
it. She told me that she would not pray for me. She said she knew I was a
strong woman from the day she met me and wanted me to pray. And as I did unexpected tears came rolling down. It was the most vunerable, real, honest prayer I’ve
ever prayed.
I walked away is this contented disbelief and was so humbly
grateful . I have not had any fear since that night about this trip. Its
crazy and true. All I can do is say thank you over and over and praise Him.
So now I have a choice. I can be like Moses who on hearing
the voice of the Great I AM from a burning bush tried making excues. I can be like Moses who even after seeing his
staff turn from snake back to staff and having his own hand turned leprous to being healed before his very eyes
still was unsure of God’s power and choice of appointing him. I can be like that… or I can stop making excuses and stop doubting my experience and embrace
it whole heartedly. One way or another I will be like Moses in how he obeyed
the voice of I AM.
“I’ve seen I AM and
now I know that I am loved.
I’ve seen I AM, and now I know who I am”
Jonathan David Helser
I was not on some emotional roller coaster that night or out of my mind. And seriously, I can’t explain it all. I don’t know if this means I will never deal with anxiety or fear again. I don’t know why that night I was healed of it when I’ve been struggling with it all my life. I don’t know if it is always that simple or the answer to so many other questions and theologies that run through my head…but it is so real. I had an incredible beautiful encounter with God that night. I’ve seen I AM.
