It’s as easy as riding a bike…
I never liked that saying. You see when I was in kindergarden or first grade I had to learn how to ride my bike without my training wheels to earn a patch for my brownie scout vest. One day after school the troop would ride our bikes to our leader’s house and eat cookies. ( I can’t remember if it was girl scout cookies that we sold but the probability was high considering our parents always bought the majority of what we sold).
That was my Everest. I was so content with my training wheels and practice runs on my two wheels consisted of tears, falling, and a father with sore muscles. The day approached and even though my bike was pink and purple and everything a girl like me could ever want in a bike…I was terrified. I couldn’t go more than 50 feet without stopping and now I was expected to ride the mile home with all my best friends watching!!! I’m pretty sure I prayed I would get terribly sick and be excused from this horrible task. That did not happen. The school bell rang that day marking what I was sure would be my death and we all mounted our bikes for the journey promising us cookies and a three inch patch of canvas.
I wish I could say this was a story of victory.
I was the last girl. I had to stop over a dozen times with some mom who kept yelling encouraging words at me that seemed flat and unhelpful to my struggle and embarrassment. When we got to the house the cookies had been eaten.
I left there with my patch in my hand, a stomach craving sugar, and a feeling in the pit of my being that I was less than all my friends that had conquered the two wheeled beast.
I’m pretty sure I lived most of my life with the feeling of inadequacy and guilt.
Over the years God did change my heart. I slowly allowed him to remove the brands that I and the world had given me. But it wasn’t until I received a heart knowledge from the Lord of how He sees me that the whispered rumors that I had worth in God had any change on my life. He taught me so much during my time on the mission field and I truly started to feel that “new has come and the old is gone”.
But lately I feel like that little girl version of myself. I’m trying to be courageous and trust that I can make it. Trust that God has made me capable of the journey. But I fear having to stop often. I feel as if everyone around me seems to conquer life with this ease I cannot seem to find. I feel ill-equipped.
I feel as if this is round two. Will what I learned hold true? Will I continue to trust? Will I continue to find His strength in my weakness? Will I live as a daughter of the king instead as an orphan child?
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
don’t rely on your own intelligence.
Know him in all your paths,
and he will keep your ways straight.”
Proverbs 3: 5-6 CEB
There will be a part 2!
