I love history. I love seeing the
patterns of mankind…
Patterns in my own history don’t seem
as fascinating to me. Most my life can be related to the parable of
the prodigal son (Luke 15: 11-32). My family seemed to play out the
story quite well. Unfortunately
I played the role of the jealous older brother pretty consistently
growing up. And although I believe all our stories are related to the
younger brother who squandered his father’s inheritance, there was a
time where that became my main character in life. I became
disillusioned living in my father’s house. I thought I would find
life outside of it and took what I like to call my hiatus from Jesus
for about 2 years. And yes I did the party scene a bit and dated the
wrong guys but it wasn’t necessarily the things I was doing but the
state of my heart that was the problem. But God is a pursuing God. He
continuously called my heart back to His. And I became tired of
running from Him. Tired of knowing I should return, but not knowing
how to approach Him in my guilt, shame, and apathy. But one day on a
church pew in the middle of west Texas, God embraced me as I walked
back up the road to His house. He grasped the back of my head in a
warm embrace and threw a party…because I came home again.
Hmm…Good stuff!
But lately God
has brought this story back into my life in a new way. Suddenly I’m
the older brother again. I’m in my father’s house. I’m doing my
fathers work. I sit down and spend time with Him at meals and smile
as we pass each other going about my work…but I’m about duties of
the house. I’m forgetting the relationship aspect with Him. We sit on
the couch together but I get preoccupied with myself and forget to
lean in and listen to His heartbeat. Or I get so busy trying to
catch my father’s attention with how well I can do his work, how
often I read the bible, or my theological knowledge…I forget that
He already delights in me. I start trying to earn my inheritance
instead of realizing it was all offered to me the moment I became His
daughter. I sometimes start to whine and complain because I can’t
understand the depths of His grace and love on those I find
undeserving. I get jealous because I still place myself under man’s
hierarchy where love and forgiveness are earned.
He gently tells me, “…You are always with me, and all I have is
yours.” (Luke 15:31) So when I get jealous or bitter because I
don’t feel him or get stressed by trying to earn his love…I have to
remember that I already live in His house. He welcomed me with a warm
embrace and His robes are around me.
In
Ragamuffin Gospel,
Brennan Manning
summarizes my thoughts well when he says, ” Many of us face the
same problem. We project into the Lord our own measured standard of
acceptance. Our whole understanding of him is based in a quid
pro quo of bartered
love. He will love us if we are good, moral , and diligent. But we
have turned the tables; we try to live so that he will love us,
rather than living because he has already loved us.”
“In
this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us…” 1
John 4:10
I’m starting to
grasp that I have been living under a false sense of grace. I have
been living in my father’s house with all the gifts, life, and joy he
has to give and taking the minimal amount. I’m resisting my
inheritance. Why? Maybe I can’t accept the intolerable compliment of
being loved as much as I am. Maybe I don’t know how to live in the
freedom that accepting my full inheritance would allow me. For some
reason I have taken minimally. I think He wants me to ask for more.
So Father, I want my full inheritance. The peace and security of
your breeze on the beach is nice, but I want to be drenched to my
soul in your waves.
Everyone
should listen to Something
Beautiful by
Needtobreath
