As I sit here, now into the single digits left of the race, I think about all the things. All the unknowns. All the stories I have from this year. All the conversations I’ve had. All the conversations I will have. All the questions I won’t be able to answer. All the unknowns about the next season of life. Where I’m supposed to work. What I’m supposed to do. What I’m supposed to get involved in. And I just don’t know.
How am I going to feel saying goodbye to these people, who even after they have been on my last nerve some days, have been my family for the past 11 months & then some? What am going to do flying on my own back to Michigan? How am I going to feel about coming back to the U.S.? Am I going to cry for no reason some days? What food do I want to eat? Are my clothes even going to fit anymore? What friends do I want to meet up with? When am I going to see my family & friends that live in other places?
I. don’t. know.
Cue the anxiety. And let it sink in. More or less, depending on the day and any decisions that have to be made.
What the heck am I supposed to do? The pressure of all the different chapters and transitions closing in around me. Asking me for answers and to always know.
This is my reality right now.
Which makes me want to just go crawl under the covers with a nice cup of joy and never return. At least not for a few days.
News flash. I can’t do that.
So what do I do?
God seems to like to have me read and learn, and in some cases, preach about things before I’m going to have to use what I learn.
You see, since the end of August, I was reading through Acts. And man is it a motivational speech and pep talk. Over and over again, we follow Paul as he goes all over the world to share the stories of God’s goodness and the Gospel message. Sometimes having a plan and agenda for places to go. And sometimes not. Sometimes those plans go accordingly, sometimes God likes to interrupt them. But Paul faithfully goes and follows the Lord. Because he trusts in the Lord.
Trust. Easy to do when things are going according to plan. When life is easy. And there aren’t two good choices standing in front of you. Easy to do when you have some direction as opposed to none.
But what about when life isn’t easy? When it doesn’t go according to plan? When there are so many unknowns and questions left unanswered?
You use faith. And faith comes from trusting in the Lord. But in order for faith to grow, you have to use it. It’s like a child having legs, but never using their legs and learning to walk and run and jump.
I was reminded of Peter when he walks on the water out to Jesus. Before taking another look at the story, often I think of Peter having a lack of faith. But then I put myself in his shoes. And see that he did have faith. It may not have been much. But he at least had enough faith, because he trusted in God, to step out of that boat and walk on the water. And Jesus used the little faith that he did have and grew it even more.
Peter didn’t know beforehand that he was going to start sinking in the water. It was all unknown to him. Kind of like my life right now with what is ahead. But if he would have known that he was going to start sinking, do you think he would have ever stepped out of the boat in the first place? Do you think his faith would have grown from staying in the boat? Let’s be real. Probably not. No one wants to fail and sink in the water. I think sometimes the Lord keeps things unknown so that He can grow our faith. And we can learn. And maybe even fail. Because that keeps us trusting in Him and allowing our faith to be stretched and grown.
So as I face re-entry in just 10 days, with so many unknowns ahead of me, I’m choosing to trust. Choosing to trust in the One who knows all the answers to my unanswered questions. And I’m continually telling myself that trust always triumphs anxiety.
