Contentment. Something so simple, yet so difficult to attain. Especially in light of how much I have as living in the U.S. in comparison to what the rest of the world has. Materialism aside, I have been given so much from the Lord, but yet still struggle to find contentment.
A couple of weeks ago, my pastor spoke on contentment. After church, I was talking with a friend and I was feeling pretty good — feeling like contentment was something I had in my life, at least as possessions and materialism go. But as I let the message sink in throughout the week, the more discontent feelings I found in different areas of my life.
Waiting is hard. It’s hard knowing in a little over seven months, I’m going to be leaving for an eleven month journey. Knowing when I leave, I will never be that same person again. I’m so looking forward to the process of being changed, that I find myself wishing it to be here now. Even though I know the journey isn’t going to be all that and a bag of chips all the time, I still am yearning for it. But it’s still seven months away. And there are still seven months of some incredible adventures and times with friends and family I don’t want to surpass. Seven months of conversations to prepare me for what is ahead. Seven months of memories I don’t want to go without. Seven months to let God work in my heart and in the hearts of those around me. Seven months I pray the Lord will help me to not waste and wish away.
It’s getting harder and harder to go to work each day. Not that work is terrible, because it’s not. And God still has so many opportunities for me there. But the daily grind of helping customers who will never be pleased no matter how much time and effort I put into assisting them gets old. And folding the same shirts and cleaning up the same messes day in and day out is starting to get to me. Which after writing that, sounds really pitiful and minuscule, considering this is the way that God is providing for me. I feel like such a jerk for complaining about it, but I’m just being honest because I’m tired. I’m tired of seeing the discontent consumerism of the American culture and feeding into it because it’s my job and it’s what I’m required to do. God, grow me in these opportunities I have left to serve you in my job. Help me to finish well and finish strong, looking for opportunities every day to bring glory to Your Kingdom.
I also find myself checking out my support funds every day. I was blown away by how quickly the first 30% came in and am so grateful for the ways God worked in the hearts of my friends and family to graciously give and support me for this race. But now, it’s not coming in so quickly. And the days I check my funds, I find myself being disappointed to no new changes, or the little that has come in. Which shows me the grossness of my heart. I should be rejoicing in the gifts God is STILL providing. But my heart and mind quickly jump to what should I be doing next? Or what am I missing or doing wrong? What is the next fundraiser I should do? But maybe God is just wanting me to wait. A word I have a love/hate relationship with. I feel discontent on not knowing what to do or having this grand plan in place for how I’m going to raise the rest of the funds. Like I’m the one who is going to put in these efforts and make the money show up, which is definitely not the case. God, help me to trust You that You are the ultimate provider. And that You know what I need and have a plan. To let go of the need to be in control of my fundraising, but seek Your Kingdom first.
In the past couple of weeks, in talking with people about the World Race, I’ve frequently been asked the question, “So what are you going to do after the race?”. And I have no answer for that. At first, I was fine in not having an answer. But the more I got asked that question, the more I became less confident in not knowing. I mean, as an American, I’m supposed to know the five, ten-year plans right?! This is something that I’ve always struggled with. I was never the kid steadfast in what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. And for a while I was okay with that because I knew God was still at work in my life and would show me in His time. But I’ve been feeling the pressure. Which is silly since I’m going to be gone for eleven months. And having to know what is going to happen a year and half from now just sounds ridiculous. A lot can happen in eleven months. I think about the past eleven months and I had absolutely no inclination I would be where I am right now in life. God, help me to wait. And to be seeking You continually. And trust that in Your timing, You will reveal the next steps in the way that I should go.
Thanks for hanging with me in my ramblings in this post, but I just wanted to share what was on my heart lately. Thanks for your support and your prayers as I continue to prepare for the World Race and seek the Lord for direction.
