Some of you have known me for years while others of you have only come to know me the past few months, maybe even weeks. So as some of you may know, I haven’t always been one to express my emotions and feelings easily. In fact, some people used to joke around saying I had a “cold heart or a heart of stone”. And while it may have been true at times, I’m finding that’s not really healthy. So it’s been a process in being okay with different emotions as they come throughout life and to not hold them in all the time, but to share them with others.
It’s hard to break the mold though when it’s easy to pretend that everything is going well in life though. That life is put together. I mean that’s what the pictures on Instagram, the clever tweets and hashtags on Twitter, the celebratory and good news filling Facebook feeds all say. Not that those things aren’t beautiful things to be shared, because they are. But what about all those moments in between that aren’t so good?
The more I’m learning about the Gospel, the more I’m learning about myself in the process. Learning today, in reading a book on Galatians, that there is ministry in the gospel with being transparent in life. That others want to see the ups and downs of life and where following Jesus fits in to all of that. To see if Christ can be trusted in all of it, not just the good. And that the Gospel doesn’t mean an easy life, but one with promised hardships. That the “good” that God promises through hardships doesn’t always mean a good circumstantial result, but sometimes to the shaping of my character into ‘good’ and more shaping to be like Him.
Which is so hard for me, even though I know the truth in being vulnerable. Some of the people I love most and look up to for the examples of being like Christ are the ones who are vulnerable and let me join them in their messy lives of following Jesus. They don’t claim to have it all together. But I see in the mess that they so desperately want Jesus to make beautiful in the mess and are continually striving after Him no matter the circumstances. And that is what draws me to a friendship with that person and encourages me in my own relationship with the Lord.
So here’s an honesty moment. A lot of you ask me how I’m doing when you see me. And even there’s the brief exchange with customers of the cordial “Hi, how are you?”. But it’s been a while since I’ve given an honest answer. So here’s how I’m doing these days.
I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of coming home from work physically and mentally exhausted. I’m tired of having inconsistency in my time with the Lord. I’m tired of waiting for January to come. I’m tired of winter coats coming into the store already at work (I mean it’s September, people!) I’m tired of feeling easily angered and frustrated. I’m tired of seeing the dark circles under my eyes each morning regardless of how much sleep I get. I’m tired of waking up in a panic that I’m late for or missed work, even on my days off. I’m tired of feeling stressed. I’m just tired.
Since it’s been some time in feeling this way, I’ve started to think through this tiredness. And sure some of the stress and tiredness will end when I finish my job in December. But I’ve also been in ministry full time before too and know it’s not a cake walk either. I know that there will be exhausting days ahead on the Race. But I can’t help but think as I’m looking ahead, will this tiredness ever end? And how do I find rest?
I know it comes from rest. But these days I don’t even know where and how to find it. Jesus says to cast His burdens upon Him, but these days I feel like I don’t even have enough energy to lift them, let alone cast them off onto Him
So I guess in saying all of this, I would love if you would pray for me. And specifically for rest. Rest for me soul. Physical rest. Any kind of rest would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your support and prayers!
