(Please Note: In order to understand Part II, please read Part I first)
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“I have to something to tell you”, I said to him over the phone. “What, you’re pregnant?” he says. Shocked, I asked, “how did you know?” “What did you expect?? It’s no big deal you’ll just have to get an abortion down there.”
Not wanting to hear that word we argued about it for weeks upon weeks and in the end, I made the decision to get an abortion procedure. I had to make two appointments; one for a pre-op workup, the other a week later for the actual procedure. During the pre-op work up, they showed me a video of what to expect during the actual abortion procedure and all of the potential side effects associated with it. Being overwhelmed with fear and embarrassment, I immediately started crying. The nurse came in and said, “You do not look like you want to go through with this. I will keep your appointment for next week and if you don’t come, you just don’t come. No questions asked. No payment needed.” I remember hugging her and thanking her for her compassion. Then I left.
I prayed about it that whole week. I know that anything of a sinful nature was not of God, so it was pointless to ask Him for a sign on what to do. I didn’t want to keep sinning. First, pre-marital sex. Next, abortion? What would be next? I did not want to spin down a path of no return. So, I ended up not going to the clinic on my assigned day. I called my then “boyfriend” and told him I was not going to have the abortion. I will never forget his words… “If you have this baby, I will not be there physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually or any other way you need me to be.” Fed up with him, I ended our relationship that day, tried to leave the past behind me and focus on my future.
Some time later, I called my parents and the rest of my family and told them I was having a baby. By this time I was already out of my first trimester. My parents, although very disappointed in me, were surprisingly supportive of my decision. But I still was not happy at all. I was only 18 years old and my life was just beginning. I did not want people to look down on me as the pregnant freshman girl from Philly. I had a lot of shame. But I did not want to keep disappointing God.
One night, I specifically remember feeling disgusted at what had become of my present life and what may become of my future. I laid in my bed and cried for hours. I remember praying and asking God for His will to be done. He knew how I felt in my heart- I did not want this to be my life. I felt so lost. So, I repented for my sinful acts, surrendered to Him and fell asleep.
In the wee hours of that next morning, I was awakened by the worst abdominal pain ever. Without going into much detail (this is a long blog, I know), I ended up miscarrying my baby in the ER only a couple of hours later. I felt so many emotions that day. I was nowhere near ready to be a mother, but I felt deep sorrow for my unborn baby. I called my ex to tell him what had become of our baby. I have not seen or heard from him to date.
I told that story EXACTLY 11 years later to a small group of women during one of our training camp sessions. I realized in that moment that shame will only survive in silence.
Sharing that story also made me realize that for the next eleven years, I dated men who I was unequally yoked with because of the shame associated with my past. I either dated the complete jerk or the guy who worshiped me (and not Jesus). I had a disturbing fear of intimacy. That cycle has now been broken.
Share your stories with people you trust until you are able to shout it from the rooftops with no shame. God brings people through situations and forgives us to show His glory. God has certainly brought me through many things in this life. Because of that fact, I walk in freedom and am forever grateful.
Luke 7:47: Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.”
Thanks for reading about my story! And thanks for your many private messages. You know who you are! 😀
XOXO,
Belle
