This is a letter to myself when I’m struggling (or not) in the middle of the World Race. I realize that it is hard for me to objectively understand my life and my past, so I’m hoping to put my current heart and loves here, for some perspective in the future.
A letter to myself,
I sit here a little more than a week from launch and around two weeks from India. India!? I still can’t believe it. I am torn between feeling excited and scared. The newness is intimidating more than anything. Sometimes I think, it will be easy, I’m prepared. But, really, I feel like I can’t do it. I am imagining the heat and the bugs and the smells and the new people and trying to help someone and it is a lot. Tiring already. So, future me, if you’re there you’re already doing more than I felt capable of.
Although I am sad to leave this life, know that I chose to. Because, at the moment of applying, I felt like I needed to. Life is bright and exciting, but it is also dark and tiring and overwhelming. And I needed to challenge the norm and challenge myself.
Don’t forget that although your past life seemed great and perfect, that is only part of it. And that the future is only scary because you can’t see it. Hold tight to your faith, to your God that is taking care of you and doing BIG things. Here’s some perspective on the past:
Being graduated may make you miss school, but there were moments of dragging your feet through sludge, wondering if you’d ever finish. Thinking about thinking and problems and tests may make you feel smart, that you did it, but don’t forget that in many (most) moments you felt inadequate and there were many things your brain just never understood. So be thankful, but don’t be proud. There’s always someone you can teach, but there’s also always someone who is ready to teach you.
Living in a different place every month may make you miss your two and a half year home, but it wasn’t perfect either. It was great and a huge blessing, but it was also full of mess and dirty laundry and interrupted moments and unwanted bugs and uncomfortable beds. And it was home because you made it home. It was home because of the memories and the love and the openness. Build that where you are! It is worth it.
And to coffee shop me, you know, the one who spent too much money on fancy drinks. Well, as much as she enjoys the alone time and the atmosphere and the taste, it is unsatisfying. Just as much as anything else. In its unglorified, unfiltered simplicity it was a warm drink and a place to sit surrounded by people, but still alone. Seek that, not the sugar (or caffeine) overload.
Work was great. Making money felt responsible. Being useful and part of a team felt empowering. But, also, it felt draining. It was sitting at a desk for eight hours every day. It was working to make money and empower some large corporation. It didn’t have a purpose in the world other than financial gain. So, yes, it is reasonable to miss it (and you can go back), but think before you run back there. Your job title doesn’t make you you.
The hardest may be that you miss your friends and your community. Fair enough. You have amazing friends. If you miss them so much, talk to them. (Although it’s not the same long distance, you can still share and connect.) And remember that though you had great community, you also had times when you didn’t know where you fit and you had times of feeling like you didn’t fit. And great relationships don’t happen instantly. Remember that people grow and move and change, whether you are there or not. So, don’t focus on some moment that isn’t real anymore. You can’t just keep reliving the past.
Most of all, future me, past me is proud of you. Already, before you’ve done anything. Because you’re trying. So, keep going. Find moments of joy and light in what you’re doing. Even if it seems small. And it’s only a year, so make the most of it.
Enjoy who you are becoming, not who you were or where you are.
With love,
Michelle
