“Do You Want to Know a Secret?” is a song by the Beatles
from the 1963 album Please Please Me, sung by George Harrison
Last night (a few nights ago now that this will finally post) I received an email from Ivanna Figueroa, someone at my church whom I’ve never actually met. I was about to work on fundraising efforts and maybe catch a little World Cup action, when this ‘stranger’ plunged me into a deep and vulnerable breakdown of my faith.
She didn’t mean to. She just expressed how’s she’s been following my blog etc. and asked how to financially support me through my “Fun[d] Board” fundraiser.
It felt as if the Holy Spirit grabbed my arms and gave me a good *shoulder shake*. God has been shaking my faith and some of my skewed beliefs and her email was the apex. The perfect catalyst of what I needed to push me over the Victoria Falls edge, into several small epiphanies. It led to a powerfully intimate, yet unabashed virtual introduction, which she was VERY encouraging with, and what compelled me to work on a blog that further explained TO YOU the more deeply seeded reasons why I didn’t actually support raise (till now…ONLY DAYS before my final A.I.M. deadline), as well as why I hadn’t really told anyone about this WR mission trip thing I’m doing this year.
THE BACKGROUND
My testimony in short:
–1) I grew up Catholic, ‘underwhelmed’ by it, and wasn’t till 7th grade when my older brother led me into an understanding of having a real relationship with God, by the radical change I saw in is his life and his friendship with me after he started going to a Baptist Church instead.
–2) I was the typical younger sibling who idolized their older counterpart as a kid, then
–3) lived in his shadow in the eyes of our parents, or teachers of his that I later had (he was ‘smarter’, ‘more responsible’, etc.) which pushed me to always try to be ‘better than I was” and “follow his example” over-achieving or becoming a perfectionist to compensate for areas I fell short of “him”. (I had sports though 0:P and I will take it to the grave that I was more athletic haha)
The three of these influences set the stage for many years of some sort of ‘faith apotheosizing complex’. I could list a slew of mental factors, attitudes, behaviors and decisions in my life that have been incredibly impacted by this toxic handle on my relationship with him (ie. saying my future husband will have to get Bryan’s blessing rather than just my dad’s). I’ve wondered if he knows the influence and power he’s had over me…
Though I hope he’s not offended by this statement (if he reads this?), I feel like God has been allowing me to see him ‘fail’ or ‘fail me’ abundantly the last few years as we’ve gone from close to… *shrug* un-involved(?) and feeling disappointed or crushed by certain actions. I still find him incredibly intelligent in areas I am not, fun to joke with (when he’s made the time to chat), and respectable as a man of God; However, to hold some human and their opinions on a deity-like pedestal for so long, I was bound to see flaws in the way he manages his life or theology, in turn causing my own understanding to crumble like the podium he was preaching from in my head.
THE INFLUENTIAL WORDS SPOKEN
How does this relate to not fundraising or really sharing much with anyone about going on The WR?
Well, I think because this mission trip was a subconscious rebellion,
but I hadn’t been prepared to rally the ‘Support’ troops yet.
Almost 10 years ago, him and I strolled for hours around our old neighborhood one dreary cold evening. While his (now) wife was on a year long mission trip in China, he imparted, from his scriptural soapbox, the various reasons that women are not ‘called into missions’, or to ‘lead’ in that way, unless following/supporting their husband. Teachings which I gathered and stored like a rat.
Throughout college I had gone on various missions trips around eastern USA over winter and summer breaks with Campus Ambassadors (CA) at Brockport. They seemed like a better use of time than just adding a few more hours to my weekly Jamaican-Certified college work schedule. He grimaced his face and made a point to say… “Chelle, don’t you think that’s a little more of a ‘service trip’ than a ‘missions trip’? I mean, you’re not really a missionary.” Sure. I’ll buy what you’re selling, Bro. You’re probably right.
Just before sophomore year, I was going on a CA/S.I.F.E. missions trip to Guatemala which required a little more financial support raising than any of my other, “more service-orientated,” trips. When telling him I was involving members of that Baptist Church we both had attended, he rolled his eyes in disapproval and said something to the effect of my desire to go must be motivated out of desire to travel; Like my heart was driven by the idea of ‘vacationing’ rather than helping. At that time, though discouraging to hear, I had already been fully immersed in fund raising, and couldn’t just stop then. I only raised about 3/4 of what I needed, thus thought, “geez, he must be right. Who wants to help 19 year old ME, get down to Guatemala this summer just to serve (and MAYBE witness?) to THOSE people?”
During one of our many late night couch chats in the last decade, discussion over ‘short term’ missions came about. Having already gone to Guatemala (which actually bred an excellent testimony for my commitment to being an Accounting major in order to support others in missions) and many other places (solely on my own dime), I was stricken with guilt from the judgement I felt.
Could I have possibly done more harm than help in those communities?
Were my trips really more about me and my growth than the purpose I thought I was participating for?
Were they selfish trips to ‘feel good’ that I ‘helped,’ while not leaving any calculable sustainable aid?
What does that even look like? AND I considered asking people to partner with me?!?!?
(S.I.F.E. actually had made a several year commitment to return and invest in two new micro-loans for local enterprise. In partnership with the Gates-Chili Rotary Club, they helped establish elementary and middle school libraries which resulted in the receipt of the “Make Dreams Real” award a few years ago.)
Regardless, my faith stage was set.
The World Race was just another ‘selfish act of Christian tourism‘
that I had a call to do, but was afraid to share or
…defend rather.
YIKERS
…
Ever just follow a pastor because you’re enamored by his/her wisdom?
How about placing your own personal relationship with God in the hands of a Christian college group,
taking on beliefs you never studied out or asked God about yourself,
because you ‘heard a great talk on [fill in the blank bible topic]’ some idle Tuesday night, so you’re sold?
Or maybe took on the interests and hobbies of a significant other, losing a piece of your own identity?
I’d say that all kind of relates to what I’m drilling home here in Part 1.
Be cautious how you and your faith are defined.
Want to read Part 2 for ‘THE EFFECTS‘ and ‘THE TRUTH‘ that came from this recent revelation?
Catch my next blog… which “God-Megabyte-and Internet Card-willing” will be posted tomorrow 😉
Fundraising Update: You’ve helped me jump up 5% more these last couple weeks!! Thank you!!
I still have many squares to get rid of on my Fun[d] Board, so if you’d like to donate and/or spread the word,
leave a comment w your email and I can let you know how 🙂 THANKS!
