I am not perfect. I do not have it all together. I am still one ‘hot mess’ of a girl… I started to grow up this year so now I am just a hot mess of a woman. Just because I have spent this year and the next month away does not mean that I do have it together and or nonetheless am even being close to perfect.
The beautiful part of that though is that I am aware of the love of God who redeems me every single waking second. His love makes me feel like I can do anything. His love makes me feel whole and complete.
I have struggled with lust and an addiction to porn. I don’t tell you these things to boast of my past and my sins. I tell you these things because God is good and he has allowed me to really dance in such freedom. I have been able to let go of my sins and letting go has allowed him to love me more. God gave me the courage to confess my sins to my squad in the Philippines the day before I became a team leader. It was something that I was planning on keeping deep down and never letting anyone know especially since I felt like the identity issues were conquered though him…. Different plan…
I also struggled with that sexual sin in Romania as well.
Sometimes when something really good happens, I tend to back away from God. I backed away when he told me my plans for my future. Because of my fear of rejection and unconditional love, I backed away and I began to struggle with lonliness. It’s interesting how you can be surrounded by so many people but feel so alone. Not to mention, where we were staying in Romania, had hot showers, good food and free wifi. I was starting to feel the comforts of home and I became too comfortable and began sliding back to who I was before the race. I was also very very tired. It’s interesting how Satan can made my sins physically wearing and heavy on me. .. So I did what I was afraid to do and I confessed to my team and the other teams that were there.
Again, I was blown away by the grace, mercy and love that was shown through them by God.
This month, I asked God to reveal to me more about myself.. In that he said, I was being selfish when it comes to praying. I was praying way too much about me and for myself and not nearly enough time for my loved ones back home or for my other brothers and sisters on the race.
So please do not think by any means, that because I have been on the race for as long as I have now, that I am perfect that I have it all together because I still don’t.
I am human. I have flaws. I have struggled with self-esteem, lust, confidence, identity, self-image. I still hear lies. I still get scared.
I am a bit scared. I am scared to go home. I am scared to live with my parents and then have to leave them again in short 6 weeks. I am scared at the idea that everyone is moving on, including myself. I am scared that my friends won’t want to be my friends anymore because we have had this year apart. I am scared of the unknown and the greatness that lies ahead.
I am not perfect so please do not put that expectation on me to be.
We are mighty women and men of God. We are his children. We were not made to be bounded by chains of guilt and our past shame. I am flawed. My God is perfect. Know that you are worthy. Know that you have a great destiny that lies ahead of you but one needs to be willing to shed what binds him before he can truly step into what the Lord has prepared.
I am still the same Michelle but I am completely different.
I still hear lies, but I know that I have a God that fights for me and is in constant pursuit of me and I hear his truth louder than ever.
I am scared but I am not paralyzed by fear. What scares me also drives me to my knees in prayer knowing that my God will deliver me and equip me for what lies ahead.
