Hanging up My Apron…

I got beat up. I am lying on the ground bleeding forth from the mouth. Drop-kicked and broken-crying my eyes out and no energy left.

So not really, but spiritually and emotionally that’s how I feel. Minus the crying part-that’s real.

In the past several weeks, I have heard numerous times:

Majority of the time, I let it roll off me. I never doubt the voice of God and when you know-you know. I’m chasing after what He says to do and who I am.

Yesterday we presented our vision projects to the class. As many of you know, my dream combines stilettos and human trafficking. You can check out those blogs here(My Destiny, Passion and Future) or here (Shoes for the Savior).

Again, I heard that the dream would be difficult followed by how it’s a tough world and I needed to not get eaten alive there.

I went home to eat lunch and it was just more “you need to be careful” type conversations. I checked my email and one of my dear brothers that I live with wrote me an email saying that he knew my dreams had been kicked around a lot lately but to know that I was a “pillar of strength and many will be supported by my strength.”

In that moment, I crumbled. I felt the weight of the words that people had said to me that I had been storing in for weeks. I felt the weight of what I was walking into and I didn’t realize how tired I was of hearing that I can’t or couldn’t do something.

I ran to my room and I wept. I asked God why he made me so different. I asked God why couldn’t he just tell me to love children in the Philippines. I asked why me. I have no skill in the fashion industry. Why me? Why me of all people to do something almost completely unheard of?

And in my own voice the words I so often speak to others was heard.

“Because I have called you to greatness and it will be worth it.  Because you are my daughter. Because you can handle it. Because I take great joy in who I have made you to be. Because you are the light. Greatness doesn’t come easy. Walk forward. “

I am literally walking into this knowing a glimpse of how hard this is all going to be. I am literally asking God to show up every single step of the way.

We had been reading Gladys Aylward’s story and we discussed it in class today. Bec said that people need to stop saying that “God said to do this” to sound super spiritual, unless He really says it. As humans we can be so indecisive.. Yet we say “God said to do this” changing again.  God doesn’t make mistakes. We need to stop putting the blame on the King who never makes a mistake and be more aware of what God is really saying and hold true to what he says. With that said….

I know that I know God told me to make shoes. I heard that clear as day.

My confidence was shaken for the first time in a long and yesterday I questioned; “God, did I really hear that?”

Gladys Aylward had a clear-cut God given vision that she was supposed to go to China. She was kicked out of bible school and told that she wasn’t smart enough. She thrived in China and lead many people to Christ by her actions and how she loved.  

Joseph had brothers who tried to kill him. He was accused of being a liar. He was in prison but he knew the greatness that lied ahead of him. From the time he knew of his greatness to the time of his first step on the throne… it took 13 years.

God used Esther… a beauty queen… to save an entire nation.

God used David, a 17-year old boy with nothing but 5 stones and slingshot to kill a giant.

I know and believe that God will use me… a woman with determination, joy of the Lord and a fire that cannot be extinguished.

In class, we talk about how Christians should not be sweetly nice but dangerous…We are living sons and daughters of GOD. We are equipped with all the weapons from above and even hell. We trample over the lies of Satan. The demons of lust, vanity, pride, fear try to taunt us with such sins but we have authority to cast them back to the pits of hell. We bear the image of God wherever we walk. Our words can bring life or death.. We choose life. . Our light breaks forth the darkness. We bring structure to the chaos and we fill the emptiness.