I don’t even know where to begin with this blog. It was a normal Wednesday, and the day before we left our ministry hosts. We had gone to the college that morning to worship and give a message. Then being the most amazing hosts ever, they took us to a fantastic burger joint for lunch.
Afterwards we had an hour to spare, so naturally we went to the mall for ice cream. Hung out for a few, then the time had finally come. The time I’ve been waiting for all week. We headed over to the local orphanage!
We arrived at a nice house/complex and met Elsie. She gave us the intro to the orphanage and answered all of our questions. She said that they have capacity for 12 babies, but only have 6 at the moment due to lack of staff to care for the babies. The babies range in age from newborn to 2, and they are all up for adoption.
I asked if they needed help and she said yes, but she said no white person has ever applied for a job there. I was shocked. She said the pay is low. I thought to myself, I would do it for free. It isn’t about the money, its about helping the babies.
We finally got to go and meet the children. They were playing outside on the playground. I noticed a baby in a carseat on the trampoline and I asked if I could hold her. They handed this perfect beautiful baby girl to me.
I thought to myself, how can someone give up a baby? How can these mothers have babies they don’t want while other have trouble getting pregnant. I just don’t understand.
After 2 glorious hours of getting spit up on, we finally had to leave. I literally did not want to go.
How could I leave with such a need blatantly staring me in the face!?
I got in the car and Jan, out host said it was okay to cry. So I did. Then I couldn’t stop. We arrived at our next destination for a braai, a South African BBQ, but I wasn’t ready to be around people yet. So I spent some time alone and just prayed and cried. Eventually after talking with multiple people, I composed myself.
During my prayers I asked the Lord why He gave me such a strong desire for a family if it wasn’t in the cards for me. I just decided to surrender this to Him, and to not worry about it.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but a few days later I was retelling this story and I realized that that was the first time I admitted having a peace about this and I truly believed it. What an amazing revelation. I am trusting that God has something amazing for me, but I just have to wait and see. It may not be what I had planned, but its His plan and it will be better.
Now, its almost a week later; we have left Middelburg and tomorrow we leave South Africa. I still do not want to go. I still have a heart for that orphanage and those babies. I still have a heart for Kruise Generasie, and the English service and the high school kids there.
I don’t really know what to do with myself. I don’t want to go. This was the hardest goodbye yet.
Maybe one day God will call me back there. I can only hope and pray. 🙂
