Along my journey this past year, many revelations have occurred during my time with the Lord. I stayed up last night spending time with the Father and asking Him what was next for me as I return home and what it is that He wants me to do. He said “Be with your family” repeatedly. So I knew, like every other day, I had to trust in His plan and continue to wait for doors to open, secretly knowing He is preparing me for something Huge that will take me away from who and what I love. During this time, He revealed more truth about my past and wanted me to share it with you. Here is some of my story and what God has done through it.
When I was 16, I met my first love. We were going to get married, our families vacationed together, I trusted him with my life, and loved him so passionately. I was madly in love with him. But at 19, after my first year in college, we broke up. We were growing apart, changing, and needed to explore what else was in the world.
My heart was completely broken. My heart physically hurt and I felt as if a part of me was dying. I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t know how I could feel this much pain. How was I going to live without him? He was part of my Identity.
It was a huge turning point in my life…it was a moment of truth!
I was such a naive girl with so much suppressed anger and feelings. Anger from things I had seen in my family and others and had not spoken of or faced and things I didn’t want to know the real truth about because I wanted to believe in more… more to life…more of what humans could be capable of…more goodness in the generation to come.
My eyes saw things more clearly as if someone had kept bifocals on me and then finally removed them and told me I had perfect vision all along. Things I believed about my faith, troubles in my family, and the way I saw my parents had all changed. I knew that I was about to have to confront it all, and I felt alone. Very alone.
This boy was my hope for happiness. I placed my joy and expectations in this person instead of the Lord because I was afraid. Afraid of what I was capable of, or should I say incapable of. Once we were no longer a couple, I didn’t know how to survive. I couldn’t survive on my own because I didn’t know how to survive this world. I just wanted to be with Jesus, which led to suicidal thoughts and actions.
Why Can’t I Just Be With You Now Lord? I Have Nothing to Offer This World!
I didn’t see it as being selfish or prideful because I felt like I had nothing to offer and it had nothing to give me. I couldn’t do anything that was for the better of it. So why even be here?
I Always Believed in Him. My Hope was always with Him. But I didn’t know how to walk out my hope in this broken world that was eating me alive. My life went spiraling down after this heartbreak. My life got darker and farther away from the Lord. I was always finding a temporary fix that this world, our flesh, could only offer. Nothing seemed to satisfy. I needed change, something more. Because deep down something was missing. I knew it was more than just knowing that Jesus was there. It was something stirring within me that was indescribable.
HIS HOLY SPIRIT!
But in order to keep this Spirit, I had to become obedient and learn that I was stronger with Him and that through his grace I Could and I Will conquer this world. I would learn to walk in His Spirit and live according to Him and not to myself or anyone else on this earth.
This Truth is what most of us are searching for. Finally seeking Him in obedience and trusting the path He has put me on has set me free. Free to Believe that Anything is possible because “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13)
Now my life is to “do whatever he asks in his name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.” (John 14:13)
After being lost and then experiencing a tragic incident at 21, I became vulnerable to the world, especially men, in order to feel loved again. I believed that because of my sins nothing was going to save me. I wasn’t deserving enough. The shame ate at my soul and my teachings of my faith consumed me to severe condemnation.
Loving one another in a healthy way was not something my family was good at. It created loneliness, bitterness, resentment, and anger. But the great thing about our Father is that He is a Redeemer. He wants to reconcile our past and redeem it for our future.
“It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God-that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.” -1 Corinthians 1:30
Seeking out what was lacking in my life, Love in the way I needed, resulted only in more pain.
I know now and believe that I have already been saved and that even though I will always sin, because it’s in my human nature, I can repent and keep trying to be better. Not perfect, but better, because I have self-awareness and conviction from the Lord. No more condemnation! I don’t need approval from others or from a priest to be forgiven of my sins. Only God is the Judge of them and He is the only one I need forgiveness from.
So many of us look for absolution through others, idols, our religion, or temporary fleshly things. But none of them can withstain us. Only the Father can!
We all suffer. In many different ways. But nonetheless it’s all the same. Because each obstacle we are faced with, pain that hurts us, or loss that steals from us, gives us a chance to become more intimate with the Father and grow wiser and stronger in faith for what’s to come. Preparing us for Eternity with HIM.
So much of our faith is second-hand experiences. But being Alone with God and the Word, we open ourselves to be one directly with the source, our Father. “It’s time to dialogue directly with God face to face without a middleman!” That’s the Truth I have learned.
Know that Jesus is waiting for you. He’s waiting and interceding. He doesn’t want you to give up. You have a choice. You can either give up and run from it learning nothing or you can push through it and run towards it persevering.
I leave you with this…
“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom of the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise in stead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” (Is 61:1-3)
“I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.” (Is 61:10-11)
If you are still searching, I hope you can reach out to me or someone safe to you. I pray along with all my prayer warriors to pray for your redemption story and for those in the world who don’t know yet that there is more, because Jesus loves YOU…each and every one of you.
