I need to admit, I am scared. I am scared not because I will be gone for a year from family and friends. From the comforts of home that so many would praise the Lord for. I honestly, can’t wait to live uncomfortably for a year. I’m not scared because I might be persecuted for my faith while in another country. I am not scared of the possibility of being tortured and being in prison. I’m not even scared of death; because I know where I will be going. In fact I welcome it; for my strength and my life is not my own. Everything I have belongs to the Lord. So, yes for those reading this blog my safety is not guaranteed on this mission trip. But I know one thing is for sure, I am safe in the Father’s hands no matter the outcome. For I am a new creation, made new by the blood that Jesus has shed and died for me on that cross and oh how on that glorious third day when He rose from the grave gave me and you new life.
So, yes I am not scared of death or persecution.
The thing I am scared of however is “adulting”. I think I finally just realized that I am graduating in April this semester because so many emotions overwhelmed me. I’m scared because I honestly don’t fully know what I want to do or where I will be at in this upcoming year. I’m scared because I have lived in poverty my whole life and I have so many loans I need to pay back. I’m scared because it is hard to get a job. You see I have all these different plans lined up in case this or that doesn’t happen or work out. But because of how scared I am right now I feel as if all those dreams of trying to change my life around are crashing down.
I honestly do worry if I will end up with a wife and kids. I wonder if I am going to have this job or that job. I’m scared because I keep thinking and asking myself “where are you going to put what little stuff you have when you leave for the World Race”. I am scared because I think of being on my own. Sure there will be friends and family to help me along the way. Yet, if I am being honest I don’t want to go back and live in Florida and I don’t want to stay with my dad in Oregon. I want to learn how to do things that I can’t do on my own. I know how to change a tire, but I honestly don’t know how to go get a license (I never had one yet). Life is a struggle and so I am scared. I know I shouldn’t be, for the Lord is my shield and my fortress when I am weak. He will be there to wipe the tears from my eyes and to lift me back up when I am down.
I know that the Lord has called me for this mission trip but honestly I hurt and cry because I’m trying to fundraise; but it looks like it isn’t going anywhere and I can’t give up hope on this. But, honestly after all I am human; I currently just want to go into a corner, break down and cry while eating ice cream (mint chocolate chip). I’m scared because I see myself and know that I will be doing ministry full time but I honestly don’t know where at or with what ministry. Thus, part of the reason for me going on this mission trip is to have another year where I can figure all this stuff out. I have been American busy; meaning it has been “go, go, go, go” where there has not been much time to reflect on life.
So, yes part of the reason I am going on this mission trip is to know what I want to do full time ministry wise; and to actually truly ponder on life. The 100% main reason for this mission trip is because I have a huge passion for others to know who the Lord is. God desires that none shall perish and likewise that is how I feel.
This fundraising thing is honestly a struggle; please please help me if you can. God bless and love you all! Thank you for taking the time to read this!
