Hello from Thailand!
For those of you that read my fears and expectations blog, I still would love prayer for the same things and here is some expansion on one of my fears as well as an update on how it is going.
As a whole anxiety has been relatively foreign concept to me up until this point. The Lord has made me with the ability to handle stress with stride and to let things roll off like rain on a windshield. It is a trait I have always been thankful for. The majority of the anxiety I have felt has been fleeting and momentary to the extent that I wouldn’t really call it anxiety, just stress. However, after my accident anxiety in cars has become my new normal.
Before I left home I had my first ever anxiety attack while driving on the highway. I was between a semi in the left lane and another merging onto the highway and I panicked. My brain stopped functioning and I just lost it. Thank God my mom was with me to talk me through the very simple solution, but in that moment my brain and anxiety won. I had no control, I had a white knuckle death grip and the steering wheel and no hold on my emotional and mental response. I felt helpless.
After that there were only momentary occasions when I felt the anxiety rush back in; a car too close to my bumper, passing a semi, brake lights on the highway, etc. well, that was until Africa. Traffic in Africa was my nightmare. There are countless motos weaving in and out of traffic, and every traffic rule, lane, light, and speed limit is a suggestion. One day we ran a red light and our host said, “Don’t worry. Traffic lights are useless,” as he just laughed as I just tightly grabbed the seat in front of me, white knuckles once again.
In my new found anxiety God is teaching me about trust. Do I trust Him with my life? Do I trust that He can and will physically and mentally protect me in chaotic traffic? This question should be easy for me if I just think back to my accident and how much He protected me from. He has shown me that He is capable of saving me, yet it feels like I have doubted more than thank Him. It is time for that to change and what better fresh start than a new country and continent.
In questioning if I really trust God He has been gently showing me ways I have trouble trusting Him with my life in general. Do I trust Him with what He is doing in my life this year? Next year? 10 years down the road? Do I trust Him with relationships on the field and back home? Do I trust Him with the big things and little things alike? Honestly, I sway back a forth, between trust and wanting control. He has opened my eyes a little to the ways I hold on white knuckle to so many things and people in my life that aren’t mine to hold, when He is the only One I should be holding onto, and I should be holding onto Him tighter than I’ve been holding on in the car. I want to have a white knuckle grip on Jesus alone.
Heavenly Father, Loosen my grip and help me to trust You with my whole life and my whole heart. Help me to trust you every time I sit down in a car and in every area of my life. I assume the posture of open hands, take what You want and help me to be willing to receive Your blessings. This day, month, year, and life is Yours for the molding, I am in Yours hands. Continue to show me the ways you are changing me and help me to share those changes with those around me. Amen.
