I hope this post finds you well, thanks for tuning in! Sorry this is another long post, I hope I will get better at getting my points across in fewer words, but for now I am having trouble expressing what God is teaching me in just a couple words. This is a continuation of sorts from my last post, so if you haven’t read it, it may provide context, but isn’t a necessity. So, in my last post I talked about my accident and what it has revealed to me about God’s character, protection, and sovereign hand in life, mine in particular. This post is about what has happened in the last two months following my accident, and to be honest the list is long, so I probably will not fit it all in this post.
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Have you ever had a lesson in life that no matter how many times you were presented and confronted with it you just couldn’t seem to get it through your head? Well, that is the place I always seem to find myself, particularly right now. My head, and more particularly my heart, feels pretty dense and impenetrable. Over the last few years God has been trying to teach me about receiving and asking for help, it is far from something that comes naturally to me, maybe you relate. To me, asking for help isn’t about appearing weak, at least not anymore, it is about the burden I perceive it puts on those around me, especially those close to me. The big word there is PERCEIVE, because most of the time what I identify as being burdensome to those in my life isn’t actually so. Rather, inviting people into my struggles and weakness is a welcome gift. How in the world is it a gift do you ask? Well, if I flip the roles, personally, I love when people invite me in to their lives, joys and struggles alike. When I am invited in, it shows that they know I care, that I can be trusted, and that they can truly be themselves around me. When people can be themselves, good, bad, and the ugly, genuine friendships are fostered there. It is no longer about being the strongest, most put together, least imposing person; it is about doing life together. Friendships like that are rare and about the best gift you could ask for. So, who I am to think that others don’t feel the same way about me?
Now, it is one thing for me to talk about how life is meant to be lived in community, where our weakness are met with another’s strengths and our strengths can help another in their weaknesses, but in application it is SO HARD. I can’t count the number of times I think I have finally figured it out and then, I get hit by a metaphorical and now, literal, semi-truck and realize I couldn’t be much further from that truth. That’s right, this time it took getting hit by a semi to realize I still don’t really let people in. Bear with me for a minute, it is kind of like my life is the ocean, it is wild, a mystery, and beautiful, but I fear that if people get too close they will see how dark it can be or most specifically, that I will hurt them. So, to keep them safe I have drawn a line in the sand so that they can get close enough to enjoy the good parts and maybe let the water run over their feet a little or see the small waves. To the both of us it can seem like I have let them in, but there is far more to the ocean than the shore, just like there is far more to my life and my heart than one can see without stepping in further. I just don’t let people step in further because those are the parts I am afraid I will hurt people with.
Fortunately, this is where Jesus has come in. He keeps washing away the line in the sand, reminding me that the ocean need not be lonely, overwhelming, or harmful to those around me, for He can calm any storm or wave of any size. Those things that I think will hurt others, He has complete control over. Jesus has conquered the worst of the world and of me. The thing is I keep drawing the line again, the fear of hurting those around me and truly letting them in creeps back in. Yes, the line has inched forward over the years, those closest to me can stick their toes in the water now, but like the ocean, I draw near and then pull back over and over. This is why God keeps finding new ways to make me realize this pattern in my life.
So, how does this relate back to my accident? Well, obviously I needed help. Help to get out of my car, get back to Michigan, drive places, lift things, and do everyday tasks, I felt burdensome. On top of that, I couldn’t be helpful, it was hard seeing the needs others but being unable to help. The accident made me realize how much of my identity I find in my ability to help and serve others as well as not needing help for myself. This is something I thought I had worked through, but here I am again trying to learn the same lesson for the thousandth time. To drive the lesson home even more, my injuries were not really visible. You can’t see concussions, broken ribs, or whiplash. This meant two things, one, I actually had to ASK for help and communicate my needs and two, I was unable to be helpful all while just looking like I was unwilling to help. This has been exceptionally difficult for me, but has shown me areas I don’t trust God’s provision or the identity He has given me. I constantly need to be reminded that I am not defined by what I have and have not done, but rather by whom Jesus says I am. This will never be a one and done lesson for me, it is going to take a lifetime, but at least now I understand that a little better. I need to learn how to identify and vocalize my needs. Not just physical, but emotional, spiritual, and relational needs as well as realize I am not The Helper, God is, I just have the privilege of being a tool He uses to do just that.
These lessons have been particularly interesting because I am about to leave for 11 months and I have no clue what I need before I leave, while I’m gone, or after I get home and I know that I can’t be the one to help every person I meet this year. It is quite frightening really, knowing that I need something but not having a clue what it is or how to ask for it and knowing that I am going to have to walk away sometimes, unable to help but just needing to trust God with the lives of each person I encounter this year. Good thing for me, for all of us, Jesus knows exactly what I need as well as what EVERY SINGLE PERSON I will meet needs. He knows every detail of the ocean that is our lives, down to the last grain of sand and water molecule. He knows things about me I have yet to discover or explore and loves me anyway. It brings a smile to my face and a sigh of relief to my heart to know that there is nothing that is too much to ask of Him and that He cares more deeply for the people of this world than I can fathom. He wants nothing more than for us to share our hearts with Him. It isn’t as scary sharing things He already knows or trusting Him with my shortcomings when He is the one in control. I am learning to let go and let God a little more each day. Jesus gave His life so that we could experience true freedom and a relationship with Him. Jesus is offering the best friendship there ever could be, no strings attached. I am not a burden, it is okay to have needs in fact He wants us to ask Him, and He loves me unconditionally. What a good thing!
I am confident that I am not the only one who struggles with asking for help and expressing needs. So, I want to invite you into this journey with me. I would love to talk, share stories, reminders, and encouragement as we learn how to let ourselves be loved by people in our lives and more importantly by the God of the universe. Email, call, text, ask me questions, this is me inviting you in further. I am here if you ever need a friend and can introduce you to an even better one!
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Along the note of vocalizing my needs, I am flying to Africa one month from today! It is wild and exciting, but I cannot leave unless I meet my next fundraising deadline on the 21st. This means I have 2 weeks to raise $2,500. What I really need are people who would like to partner with me in this ministry as monthly donors in any amount, $5, $20, $50, $100+ or whatever you feel lead to. As always, every little bit and every prayer helps more than you could know. If you are interested in other ways you can help send me an email and I can give you more information. Thank you!
Love you all,
Michaela
