It has been a while since I blogged and for that I apologize. The reasons for it are many and varied but at least some of them are rooted in selfishness, pride, and cynicism. Hopefully you enjoy this blog and I make no promises, but there should be more to come the last eleven weeks. Just an FYI – I have written quite a few blogs about how God is working in me and what ministry we are doing. I am going to try and write a few that are a bit more light-hearted and funny (there are plenty of funny things about travelling that I have yet to share), but you are going to have to sit through at least one more serious one with me.
For the first time on the race I have discovered that I am afraid. This trip has been much safer and more comfortable than I expected. The reasons for that are also many and varied, but I see God’s hand in it and trust in His goodness, sovereignty, and love (I also believe I have grown as a result of being in the circumstances in which I have been placed, even more so than the circumstances I expected and sometimes romanticized about). Because of the safety and comfort, fear has been a foreign feeling to me. I have felt safe in every city, every country, and every environment I have found myself (although I freely admit I might have been too naïve in some circumstance to understand the potential dangers). But now I find myself fearful, not of any place I have yet to travel but fearful of coming home.
Here in Africa the toilet and shower share a common space. I can sit on the toilet and take a shower (which can be quite convenient dependent on your type of sickness or dependent on how lazy you are feeling). Because the shower drains into a floor drain, the floor is generally wet. Each bathroom has a dedicated pair of flip-flops that everyone wears to go into the bathroom to keep their feet clean and dry. Our flip-flops are both lefties. I have spent nine months living in flip-flops and I generally spent a good bit of my time at home in a pair as well. It becomes quite natural to let your feet slide into and out of a pair. Putting your right foot into a left flip-flop is very awkward (you should try it). Instead of the shoe fitting the way it should and instead of the top falling between your big toe and your second toe, the shape of the shoe is backwards and the top parts falls between your third and fourth toe (or maybe your fourth and your pinkie toe, although this is even more awkward) and your big toe hangs over the end like the flip-flop were made for a child. In other words – it feels terrible.
It can be difficult to see growth in those around you, especially if most of your time is spent together. But over time you begin to see changes and growth and watching the change is exciting. To see growth in yourself can be nearly impossible, yet I cannot believe that anyone could come through this sort of experience unscathed and unchanged. When I stop and take a good look at myself (which is pretty tough) I can begin to see the ways I have changed. Some of these changes happen almost imperceptibly slowly, but they happen all the same. I see changes in priorities, desires, lifestyle, and goals in life.
This has led me to think I am becoming the human equivalent of a second left flip-flop (that is assuming I used to be a right one). I have a fear that I am going be the awkward one that no longer fits and makes your toes feel funny. I think that the changes in me will lead to awkwardness in some if not all of the relationships. I am afraid that I have become the shoe that doesn’t fit anymore, the one you really wish would still just be the way it was. This is not something that I want and only time will tell if this concern (fear at the moment) is warranted. I don’t believe it will change all of my relationships in life. I believe some people “get it”, at least I hope some do. I know there are people who will love me even if I am the awkward leftie that should be a righty. I do, however, believe that some of the relationships I had before will be strained to breaking and the things we had in common just wont be enough anymore. That’s my fear anyway.
God is so good to me and He carries me faithfully through each and every day. I learn more about His love, grace, mercy, faithfulness, and sovereignty every day and I am so blessed and grateful to be exactly where I am at exactly this time. I truly love my life and can’t wait to share the new parts of me with my family and friends at home, whether they are on board or not. This might all be unwarranted and I am going to leave it up to God and stop worrying about what I can’t and don’t want to change. Far worse than coming home changed would be to come home and go about life as if nothing were any different or to change right back to how I was before. That’s what’s on my heart tonight and I will turn it over to God and time to see how it plays out. More to come soon!
