*This is probably the most personal and real blog I’ve
written to date.*
For
a few weeks I’ve had this unsettled feeling deep inside my heart. This desire
for peace but I wasn’t finding it. I wondered what was going on, but as always
I try my best to ignore the feeling and press on.
It
all came to a head this past Sunday as the community here did some praise and
worship. I thought to myself, “I really don’t want to be here”. The first month of my World Race in New Zealand I was at
this church serving for the month. We would do four hours of worship
& praying each day. The first few days there, I hated it, and wanted to be anywhere, doing anything else but that.
Psalm
84:10 came to mind “Better is one day in your courts Oh, Lord than 1,000
elsewhere” this left me thinking, why do I not long to be here, praising and worshiping my
God. Shouldn’t this be the place I desire to be, in His presence?
After
this past Sunday, I began to question these feelings of NOT wanting to sing,
praise & worship the God who created me, looks after me, loves me to no
end. My answers would not come until the next day when I was talking with a
friend of mine.
mid conversation it hit me like a ton of bricks, and it hurt, to the very core
of my heart. I had no room for God in my life. I’d simply replaced God and our
relationship with people & things without even trying.
occupied with idle busyness, and thinking about the future, instead of being fully
present here, today. Then to keep my heart occupied, I would allow my heart to
put a girl in the place of God. Revelation moment: this is what I’ve always
done in the past, if I wasn’t running from it all together. I realize now that I think & act with my heart, and my head/logic catches up sometime later.
Do I even know what the sound of God’s voice sounds
like in my life, or have I just made His voice, my voice. Digging deeper into
this, I couldn’t even remember a time where God’s told me “NO”. Everything I
supposedly would pray about in the past, there would be an empty silence and
I would assume God was saying yes in that silence.
I’ve
had to assess most my time here in Spain as well, I’m starting to see how God
is fighting for my heart. He wants me to be 100% in love with Him but He’s not
going to force that. He will allow me to chase what I think will make me happy,
in order to see that it won’t, have my heart break, so that the ears & eyes
of my heart will be fully open to Him and what He’s saying.
had to ask myself the tough question “Is God enough”? My mind says yes, but my
heart knows, at least right now that He is not. I’ve not had the desire to read
my bible, pray, worship since I’ve been here. I would let the things
that took place in class be a substitute for all of that. I would justify I had
a great relationship with God, because I maybe talked to Him in my head every
so often, or base it off past experience.
know God loves me 100% all the time no matter what. I also know relationship with God is not a check list of tasks like reading your bible, praying etc. It comes down to the heart, do I desire to do it simply because I love Him, from that love should spring forth my actions & words.
