I’m miffed. I was under the assumption that after applying for and being accepted to the WR I would slowly but surely begin transforming into this idea of perfection that I have tucked away in my mind. I mean, after all I am going to be a “missionary” and I am giving of my time talents and finances in order to spread the Gospel. Does that not guarantee me the chance to shed all of the issues and struggles that I deal with and face in my daily life?
If these words were serious rather than satirical most people would quietly say to themselves that I do indeed have some serious issues that need to be addressed. Thankfully for my sake I do not actually believe the above sentences…at least not completely. In my heart I can hear the absurdity in thinking that perfection is achievable but in my head I continually hear the societal and self imposed suggestion that with a desire and pursuit of God’s will I automatically graduate to a higher moral and spiritual plane. As most of you will agree this is just simply not the case and yet I for one still fight against this truth. I try and convince myself that I shouldn’t continue to struggle with sin or doubt or apathy. I mean these are the very things that I am hoping to help others with during my time of travel and ministry. They should have no place in my life and if they do is that not reminicent of the blind leading the blind?
As I wrestle with this concept from time to time the Apostle Paul came to mind. Most Christians would not dispute that after Jesus, Paul’s life is one that should be studied and emulated and I would completely agree with that statement. However, I can not help but remember that Paul calls himself the “worst of sinners. (I Tim. 1:15) And again I think about his fervent prayer in II Corinthians about his “thorn in the flesh.” Until recently I did not give much thought as to what that thorn actually was because scripture gives us no sure insight on the subject. I usually placed it in the context of some physical ailment or condition, maybe chronic back pain or epilepsy, who knows? Then the thought struck me; what if rather than a physical disparity it was a spiritual deficiency. Perhaps Paul had some particular sin whose pull was just a little bit stronger than other sins. He was human after all and by his own description he speaks of his propensity to sin so although this is complete conjecture I do not think it falls outside the realm of possibility. A part of me does not like to think about that though because then that means that this icon of the Christian faith was not perfect. He didn’t have it all together and I want at least one person to have had it all together so I can continue to think that perhaps one day I can arrive at that point too.
Now its easy to think, “Wait, that is great news because now I know that it is okay if I am not perfect.” I do believe that this is indeed very good news but before I can see this truth I must stare at another, one that is not as beautiful or easy to accept. That truth is that this side of Heaven I will never achieve this idea of perfection that is so deeply engrained inside of me. In fact it means that all my self salvation projects, all the masks I wear, all the work I try and accomplish on my own strength and all the ways I attempt to make amends for my own sin are completely worthless. In the eyes of God the Father they amount to absolutely nothing. For me this is in part a terrifying realization because I know that my default mode is to do all these things, they are what comes naturally for me. To sin and then try and make atonement for that sin on my own is what I do apart from my Savior. So, after trying time and time again I am left clinging to the broken pieces of my feeble attempts to save myself. I find that I am tired, frustrated and out of ideas.
Ironically enough Paul know how this feels and he gives a very poignant description of it in Rom. 7:24, “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?” He realized he did not have what was required and could not make up for the deficit in his life. I speak for myself when I say that I find myself in this very position almost on a daily basis, and if I stop at that point and look no farther I will be like a person caught in the blackness of night waiting for a sunrise that will never come. Pretty depressing right?
“Thanks be to God” this is not where the story ends! Like Paul I will freely admit that I have my own ‘thorns” and I have felt like a wretch more than number of times. I still struggle with doubt, fear, lust, anxiety and loving others. I still fight the tendencies to be self-centered and judgmental toward others. I know these things about myself but more importantly God knows them too. He also knows that if He were to relieve me of all these struggles and sins that I most likely would have no need of Him. If I were perfect would I really feel the desire to humbly serve a perfect God? So instead of giving me sinless perfection, God the Father gave me something infinitely better…His Son. Because of the Grace and Redemption that Jesus brokered for me I am able to give up chasing an impossible fantasy and rather learn to rest in a beautiful reality. God knows me on the most intimate level imaginable and he still calls me His own. Jesus’ Grace has completely and totally paid my debt and that ongoing Grace is in no way dependent on me. The Holy Spirit faithfully and continually sustains me in standing up under the temptations that come my way and because I will fail and fall I also receive the strength and encouragement to get back up.I for one think this is Good News indeed!
Until next time…
MB
