The hot sun was beating down on my scalp as I wiped a bead of sweat from my forehead. My mind was lit up and I was lost in thought. Myself and two other team members had just finished talking with a couple Jamaican guys at their home. They had welcomed us with arms wide open and lots of questions born from a place of searching and curiosity. God had spoke through each one of us and I was super excited because I knew as I walked away that God was going to speak to that man that night in a dream and I just got super excited thinking about it. In that moment, I heard someone say, “What is going through your mind right now?”. As my train of thought stopped, I quickly looked at my friend and immediately felt defensive. Although I quickly let my defense go and retraced my thoughts and told him where my mind had wandered. I get this question a lot (before the race and on the race). What is going through your head right now? What are you thinking about? I guess I have an intriguing “thinking face” that pulls people into wonder about my thoughts. But at this particular time, I finally realized that maybe I isolate my thoughts too much. Maybe I should let people into my thoughts more so they will stop asking me all the time what I am thinking. Maybe I covet my thoughts. Maybe I should speak up more. It is super easy for me to stay in my own head but is that where God is going to grow me the most?
After this revelation on the road, I was in conversation with another friend that evening and in the conversation, there was a point where we got silent (which often happens in my conversations because I take time to think about things) but instead of ending in that silence I spoke my thoughts. And through sharing I was able to go even deeper and process more of what God was teaching me. In this moment, I suddenly became overwhelmed with thankfulness to my friend because she was one of the people that has been encouraging me to speak my thoughts more. As I thanked her I became aware of how much freedom there is when I speak out my thoughts. Although this is really scary especially for me because I recognize that my comfort in speaking up comes when I get to rehearse my thoughts in my own head before even speaking a single word. Even though at times this is necessary, there are other times that I just need to start speaking and listen to what the Holy Spirit is speaking through me. There is a benefit to both of them. So, moving forward I need to honestly assess if I am coveting my thoughts by staying silent.
This whole concept has been a long process that has honestly occurred my whole life. I am so comfortable with keeping to myself and before this month, my common response to the question of “what was on my mind” was “nothing” (which is a total lie that the enemy uses to kill the thought that God has placed inside of me). “Nothing” is such an easy answer that cuts off the circulation to feed growth. God didn’t choose me to live inside of so I could keep to myself. God came and lives inside of me and because of that I should be compelled to do nothing less of sharing His love and truth with everyone I encounter.
Live loved,
Micaela
