I lay with my eyes closed, lips in motion (worshiping) and ears soaking in the worship music spewing out of my phone. I’m miserable. Minutes prior I cautiously made my way to my dark room to gain motionlessness and swallow some peppermint as nausea settled upon my body. All I could do in that moment was praise and pray and mentally tell myself that I was okay.
[This was day 6 of being sick. It all started with a 36 hour fever. Followed by a full day of diarrhea and then a travel day. Then an admittance to the emergency ward to get 3L of fluid back in my system. Followed by feeling okay for half a day and then more diarrhea settle upon my body. And now this, nausea after a nice chicken soup and brownie night! UGH!!!]
My phone began to vibrate and I looked to see continued pictures and stories from the snow storm back home come across my screen.
Why can’t I just be there! I yelled in my head. I am just DONE with Africa! I am DONE with sickness! I am done with trauma and pain. I am so done with this trial!!! I just want to be with my family. I began scrolling through photos of home, of my family and all the adventures and sweet memories we have had over the years. As I looked at them I kept hearing myself say “wow, you looked so happy”. Then I started to think about the last time I felt happy and my heart sank as I realized that it’s been awhile…yikes.
I start to think about my condition and how it’s not just me, over half my team is struggling with being sick too. I hate to see others suffering and then to be suffering as well just plain SUCKS. And to be coming off of a really trying month full of pain and trauma. I just got to thinking again of how done I was feeling. If I had the opportunity to fly home tomorrow I would do it in a heartbeat… I felt myself thinking how I would do a lot of things just to get out of this moment. Yes I am strong and will survive but everything inside of me is just done with the suffering. Done with knowing I had malaria. Done with foreign needles entering my body. Done with checking myself and my team into foreign hospitals that provide medical care that would make you sue in the states. Done with feeling physically weak. Done with knowing that malaria could still be in my system and I not know it. Done with not being able to feed my body the way it needs. Done with not having the energy to exercise. Done with not having daily rhythms. Done. Done. Done.
I didn’t feel this way a month ago. Quite the contrary. A month ago I was expectant and excited. I had just finished my 11 month world race and been at home for 3 weeks. And then had been trained to come back out for 2 months with a new group of people starting their 11 month journey. I was stoked. I knew God had asked me to come back out and I was expectant and excited to see what this new season would look like.
But as I sit on the other side of things and see how this past month unfolded I can’t help but wonder why. Why the trial, why the trauma, why the suffering?
So today I sat down with God and began asking Him these hard questions. And of course I came away utterly blown away of just how good our God is. I finally let the events of the past month settle on me and let out all the pain and hurt and lies I had taken on. And this was His response:
“I was there. I was there. I was there. And Micaela, I felt your every pain, I felt and mourned your un-cried tears. I know it sucked. I know it wasn’t fun BUT I sustained you. I was your source of life. I was the one sustaining you. I know it sucked, I know it sucked to live through, I know because I was there. I was there. I was there.”
Lord I’m sorry. I am sorry for doubting you, I am sorry for agreeing with doubt that you aren’t enough. I am sorry for agreeing with the lie that said I have to go through this alone and that you don’t care. Sorry Papa, I see now how this hurt you too and that you were THERE. Thank you Jesus! Lord I renounce the spirit of doubt in Jesus name, I renounce the spirit of helplessness in Jesus name, I renounce the spirit of hopelessness in Jesus name, I renounce the spirit of trauma in all-powerful all-mighty JESUS name!!! And I invite your spirit of FAITH, HELP, HOPE and WHOLENESS into my life in Jesus name.
Crazy enough, if I had to do this month over again, I would because I just KNOW that God is using it, He is using every part to bring Himself glory and to me that is worth it. Doesn’t change the fact that it sucked to live through but atleast I KNOW that He was THERE and He always will be.
“For this is how much God loved the world—he gave his one and only, unique Son as a gift. So now everyone who believes in him will never perish but experience everlasting life.”
John 3:16
“But when the Father sends the Helper as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you.”
John 14:26
“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”
Romans 5:3-5
“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”
Ephesians 3:16-19
“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.”
Galatians 6:9
I pray that you would be encouraged by the goodness of the Father. I declare that you are a whole being and that wholeness runs through your veins. I declare that the Holy Spirt is your helper for your EVERY need. I declare that you have been made full of faith and hope. I declare that any trail you are facing is only producing endurance and that endurance is producing character and that character is producing confident hope of your salvation. And that the Holy Spirit has filled your heart with His love. (Romans 5:3-5).
Trials suck but let us rejoice in them because we know that God is using EVERY part of them for His good.
Thank you for taking the time to read this through, your support is major.
Live from a place of being LOVED.
-Micaela Marie
