Dear Fort Collins, CO,
I want y’all to know that I love you and I miss you. I was not great at expressing that during this trip, and I am sorry. I was bad at posting pictures and updating y’all, but the truth is, I think that is what I needed in order to be present. Whether I consciously did it or not, home was an out of sight out of mind thing for me. When I wasn’t talking to people at home, I didn’t think about how much I missed it. That’s not fair to anyone, and I’m sorry.
Home is a scary thought. Fort Collins, Colorado seems like such a foreign far away place, but yet so familiar at the same time. I’m scared that once I’m home it will feel like the Race never happened. I don’t want to forget this year. I didn’t leave on this trip hoping to become a new person or to forget who I was, but it did play a huge part in who I will be for the rest of my life. This trip didn’t magically make me a perfect person or turn me into the spitting image of Jesus. I wouldn’t even say that I have necessarily changed; I have become a more Jesus-filled version of who I already was. I am still me. I make mistakes. I am not always nice and loving. But I have devoted my life to serving a God who gives me endless grace.
The biggest thing the Lord taught me throughout this year is that love is a choice. I have lived with a lot of people, most of whom I probably wouldn’t be friends with if God didn’t orchestrate it. If love was just a feeling, this year would have sucked. I wouldn’t have built lasting relationships, and I would probably hate some people. I had to decide every day if I would choose to love or if I would allow the enemy to sneak in and tell me that these people don’t deserve my love. I had to choose to accept the Lord’s love for me in order to have love to pour out. I now know that I cannot love adequately with my own love. Loving with the Lord’s love is not easy. It requires you to open your heart and to give it away to people. I left my heart with a lot of people and in a lot places, and it was hard. There are no limits on what the Lord will do with His love. Loving with His love means dying to yourself and doing the uncomfortable. It means loving the kid who tests your patience and washing the dishes one more time and doing favors for people when you really don’t want to, and being happy about it.
Please don’t expect me to have the perfect answer or even any answer to every question that I will be asked. I’m not saying not to ask questions—just please don’t overwhelm me with them. I do have lots of cool stories from this year, but most of the time I felt like I was just living life. I’m not a celebrity. My life is not something special or anything to be put on a pedestal. I simply followed the Lord’s call. I lived my life—I just did it in new places. I loved on a lot of children. I swam in some crystal clear water on an island in the South China Sea and got stung by a lot of jellyfish. I ate some weird food. I watched a lot of movies. I took many forms of crazy unsafe public transportation. I sweat a whole lot. I jumped off a lot of waterfalls. I drank a lot of Coke. I learned how to love people. I ate an unbelievable amount of rice. I lived in a room with 28 girls for two months. I met a lot of really awesome people. I preached in a lot of churches. I swam with the largest animal in the ocean and touched it. I took a lot of naps. I drove a minibus in Africa. I ate several coconuts and a ton of pineapples. I found the true joy of the Lord. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. I said lots of hard goodbyes. I found Jesus in some crazy unexpected places. I had lots of adventures this year, but it was just my life. So please understand that when you ask me how my trip was, it’s like me asking you how the last year of your life was. It’s kind of an overwhelming question, and it’s hard to sum up.
I am very sad this season is over. I am ready to not be on the World Race anymore, but I’m not sure I will ever be ready to leave my people. I am always surrounded by people, and I love it. I also LOVE the Philippines. It is a wonderful place with amazing people, and I have loved calling it home for these few months. It’s weird to think that this was my life for so long, and now it’s almost over. Saying goodbye is really hard. I will probably be sad at really random times, but just bear with me. All of this being said, I am beyond excited to be home. I can’t wait to drive myself places and to not be stared at everywhere that I go. I’m excited to make my own schedule and do things that I choose to do. I’m excited to be alone when I want to be. I am excited to hug all of you. I’m excited to have my own room and to wear more than four outfits. I’m excited to eat what I decide to eat—not rice ever again. I am excited to understand what people are saying. Most of all, I am just excited to be with all of you again.
Side note—culture shock is a very real thing, and I’ve learned that is usually hits me hard. If I ever seem totally enthralled with something completely normal, I promise I’m not weird. Like even a stoplight is gonna be a big deal. Also, I have lost my grasp on what is socially acceptable, so if you are ever with me and I go out in public with no shoes or start licking the inside of a cup to get all the smoothie out—both things I am doing right now—please tell me to stop. I will probably do a lot of things that I will think are 100% normal I need to relearn what is okay and not okay to do in public, because on the Race, pretty much anything goes.
I can’t wait to see you in 27 short days!!!
Love y’all, Merr
