I have a terrible tendency to wait for things to be figured out before I post things. I hate acknowledging to myself that I don’t have things figured out. I hate when things are out of control.
I came home from Training Camp without a clue what to do next. (If you missed that story, click here.) My incredible coaches from Z-Squad, the Fires, opened their home to me immediately as a place to rest and hear God while I waited on the next step of my journey. I didn’t want to just sit around Atlanta and wait until I launched, so I moved halfway across the continent to Pennsylvania. I wanted to get away from the distraction, seek God intentionally, and fill up before my launch date. Which kept getting farther and farther away. I was planning on waiting until January, but none of the routes felt right… I thought about one in April, sorted through trying to pick one in August, even turned down one that seemed perfect for me – a route through all 13 South American countries.
This has been a time of testing, stretching, and and me losing hope that God was in this at all. I felt benched. I felt like I had been singled out and left behind. I felt like I didn’t even have enough to contribute to go on a mission trip and serve. The devil has been attacking me with lies – and I have been listening.
During this period one of my friends lost her husband. He was 30 years old. The first words out of her mouth were, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Meanwhile I’m over here feeling like the Lord abandoned me because I didn’t approve of His timing?
Things have been ugly. I’m not proud of how shallow this test proved my faith was.
So what made Brittany’s faith so rock-solid during her earth-shattering test? And why did mine prove so shallow?
My second day in Pennsylvania I got to go with Eileen to a Bethel Concert in New York City. While I was worshipping I got this image of me and Jesus standing on the edge of this huge chasm. It was filled with this murky darkness and you couldn’t see anything below the rim. We were standing on the edge, He was holding my hand, and He looks at me and says, “you ready?” And we dive, head first, into the blackness.
That was the last I’ve heard of Him.
During these past few months everything I’ve cared about has been attacked. My route, my calling, my purpose, my sense of value, my relationships, even the way I interact with my family. My faith has grown weary and I let that stop me from seeking His face and trusting His goodness. He’s proved faithful over and over. Why did I let everything getting dark make me doubt he was even there?
This test has revealed a lot about my character. Yes this was an incredibly purging time where the Lord was removing everything I’ve ever run to for security, but in it I have found a new side of His face. Where I expected to find disappointment at the way I reacted, I’ve found only grace. Only love. Only a voice that says, “don’t worry… I’ve got you. I never let you go.” I’ve only found a God of exceedingly, abundantly more.
I found my new route yesterday. If I could have sat down at AIM and written down a list of 11 countries and handed it to them and said, “Here. Make this one.” It would be the route I found yesterday. And instead of reacting with joy and gratefulness, I got upset. I felt benched again that I had to wait even more time to launch when all I want is to go and serve and get started on this journey that has been my heart’s desire for so long. The first time I’ve felt His voice since that day said to me,
“This is what I have for you. You weren’t benched. You weren’t abandoned. This is what I’ve always had for you. I am a God of more than you can imagine.”
So who knows what happens in the meantime. I’m applying to work WinShape camps for a second time this summer. Again, a total dream of mine that I never would have imagined would get to come true. Timing, career, etc. always seem to get in the way. Now there’s a window where I could fulfill a desire of my heart on the way to fulfilling another desire of my heart. If I would have been told when I was leaving Z-Squad, “we don’t think the timing is right yet, but you’re gonna go live in this beautiful place with this family you love, you’re gonna get to work on yourself, press into Jesus, work WinShape again, and go on the best route you’ve ever seen. Is that ok?” I would have been all over it. Even if WinShape doesn’t work out, God has something else planned. And you know what? It would still be worth it.
My stinky attitude and me flailing for control only to arrive at something so exceedingly, abundantly more has hopefully taught me a lesson. I serve a good, good God. Even in the silence. Even when I can’t feel or hear Him. Even when I can’t see. It’s things like this, Him proving His faithfulness over and over, that strengthen my faith. That build a faith like Brittany’s. That make my soul be able to say – even in the darkest times – “It is well with my soul.”
India, Nepal, Vietnam, Cambodia, Botswana, South Africa, Swaziland,
Argentina, Chile, Bolivia, Peru.
Exceedingly, abundantly more, huh?
October, 2016
