I’ve been surprised at the reactions I get when I tell people I’m going on the World Race, especially outside of the Christian circles I’ve grown up in. The following is a typical conversation. It’s almost always followed by a shocked:
“Wow! That sounds…… crazy. Where are you going?”
(I’ve learned that rattling off the 11 countries causes people to zone out by number 3, so I’m starting to say regions instead.)
“We spend 3 months in East Africa, then spend 5 months in South and Southeast Asia, then finish the last 3 months in Central America.”
(Then the next question…)
“What will you be doing there?”
(Trying not to be overly excited…)
“All sorts of stuff! Working in orphanages, doing bar ministry, building churches, working with local organizations to serve people. It changes month by month.”
(By now there is skepticism… and I almost always get this…)
“So, is this… like, a…. missionary trip?”
(Seriously?)
(But then my favorite one is this…)
“So why are you doing this?”
For some reason here is where I start drawing a blank. I could say so many things:
“Because God told me to”
“Because I want to make a difference”
“Because I love children”
“Because I want to help others”
“Because I was made for more than a 9-5”
“Because I love adventure”
“Because I’m crazy” and
“Because I just want to, ok?!”
All seem like acceptable answers at the time, and what usually comes out is a jumble of those things. All of those things are true, and they are all true in that order. However I’m finding the reason I’m stumbling so much in answering that question is because I’m trying to earn the approval of others in my response. There’s a place inside me that wants to hear, “wow, she’s doing so much good. Look at her, I wish I were like that.” or some shallow, conceited form of affirmation.
As if I needed anyone else’s affirmation.
When I think of my biggest failures, my biggest mistakes, and the chapters in my life I look back on with pain, all of them – ALL of them – happened because I was seeking the approval of someone else. I was finding fulfillment and approval in the eyes or arms of someone other than the One who gave it all for me. Of the approval I’ve sought from others, how many of them have given their lives for me? Sent their Son to die for me? Loved me relentlessly and unconditionally no matter what I did to them or how badly I hurt them. How many?
None.
So I will lock eyes with the One who’s ransomed me
The one who gave me joy for mourning
Oh, I will lock eyes with the One who’s chosen me
The one who set my feet to dancing 1
I have been found, forgiven, and redeemed by the only One worth caring what He thinks of me. I am accepted and loved despite my failings and shortcomings by the One who has loved more than I can ever be loved by someone else. May I walk so closely behind my Rabbi that I am covered in the dust of His feet.2
So here’s to stepping away from my dependence on the approval of others. To walking out of the shadow of self doubt unless affirmed by others and to walk into the light of the One who sees me and calls me “loved.”
Come out of hiding, you’re safe here with Me
There’s no need to cover what I already see
You’ve got your reasons, but I hold your peace
You’ve been on lockdown and I hold your key
‘Cause I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave 3
1 – This is the bridge from the song “We Dance” by Steffany Frizzell-Gretzinger with Bethel Worship in Redding California. Listen to everything she’s ever written. The link to this song can be found here
2 – This quote was found on a blog by a former World Racer Angelique Sturm. That blog can be read here
3 – Again, Steffany Frizzell-Gretzinger. This is her song “Out Of Hiding.” Spoiler Alert: be prepared to be wrecked in worship. This song can be found here
