I certainly didn’t expect Him to send me home on day seven… When there are only 10 days of camp in the first place.
…This blog also could have been titled “When God wrecks your plans” or “When you face your biggest fear… and Jesus walks through it with you.”
Training camp was hard. Training camp or seven days of sweat, bucket showers, small portions of crazy (albeit mostly delicious) food, more sweat, having your luggage stolen, Jesus, crazy teambuilding exercises, more sweat, incredible worship sessions, heat, sweat, more Jesus, and more sweat. (Whoever said putting 250 strangers in the woods for 10 days in July was a good idea… Actually I’m almost positive no one said it was a “good idea.” But it was a God idea.) So much freedom happened in that place… So much bonding happened in that place. So much Jesus and breakthrough and community and tears and laughter and friendship and soul bonds were found in that place… Training camp was hard, some days training camp was terrible, and I have to do it all over again.
The bottom line is the Lord is making it clear that I’m supposed to leave in January. I don’t yet know with what squad, or even with what group of countries, but Jesus is asking me to trust Him, so I’m saying yes.
The World Race doesn’t make it a common practice to “send people home.” I was asked to defer until January primarily to process some things that have occurred in my life they think I need more healing from. Personally I don’t agree with the decision (which doesn’t matter) but I feel like the Lord has a bigger reason in mind for pulling me out. This is just the conduit He is using to work on some things in my heart. I got flagged on a play, but the purpose of the timeout is far greater than reason the flag was thrown. He has some things to work on in me.
I know this is His plan. So why is this so hard? Over training camp I threw myself into community and into forging relationships. I jumped headlong into getting to know these 47 other people, sharing my heart, and getting to know theirs. Developing community is hard. Misfortune like heat and lost luggage will bring anybody together, but add to that the incredible dynamic of the Holy Spirit working in powerful and exhausting ways and you develop bonds with people that don’t make sense after a week. Having those torn from me is the hardest part of this process. I’ve gained 47 friendships, but I don’t get to travel the world with these people and continue to develop these friendships and see what God does in their lives over the course of this year. That’s a loss that’s hard to grieve. I’ve also lost my plans for this year. My internship and lease conveniently ended right near each other and near launch date. Now the Lord is making clear that He has other plans for this time. Plans, maybe, targeting me wanting to be in control… I have a laundry list of things that I want the Lord to do in my heart over these next five months. Clearly He has a purpose in asking me to wait, but I don’t want to put God in a box by giving Him a list of expectations for measurable growth that I want to see so that, in my mind, this wait was “worth it.” It will be worth it. But because it’s HIS agenda. Not mine.
He didn’t have to confirm that this was His plan for me, but graciously He did. Even though I hate it and I’ve cried about this more than I ever should have, I have such peace that this is what God intended all along. When I told my squad about the decision, 47 people surrounded me and immediately begin praying over me and speaking life into me. My dear friend Kris told me that God gave her a picture of the puzzle with one piece missing and that the Lord was calling me to be that missing piece in another squad – the one He actually created me for. Anisa, one of the most joy-filled women I have ever met, said,
“Isn’t God gracious… Isn’t He gracious to allow you to bounce through our squad and teach us things and share your joy with us on the way to the squad you were actually supposed to be a part of?”
That’s the peace I’m holding onto. God doesn’t have to give me peace about His plan for my life. He doesn’t have to comfort me and give me confirmation that He’s walking with me; I should trust Him enough to know that. I should know He is working all things together for the good of those who love Him… To those who are *called.* I am called to this purpose. To HIS purpose. I am launching in January. But He is so gracious to wrap me in His love and continue to say, “hey… I love you. I’m right here with you, ok? This is what you were most afraid of. And we’re facing it. We’re walking through it together. And I have something great I want to do in you because of it.” Sweet, sweet Jesus.
If nothing else came from training camp, the way I see Jesus now and the way I walk in freedom with Him now was worth everything. All that sweat, all those crazy experiences (that I now get to do over again with a new squad in October!) All of those things would be worth it if it ended right here. But it doesn’t end here… He is better. I’m walking with Him. He’s got me. And I trust Him.
His,
Meredith
