I mentioned in a recent blog how I’ve grown astronomically in spiritual authority. A few months ago I couldn’t have even given you an example of spiritual authority unless I saw someone cast out a demon or something. So, good job Mer. Glad to hear you grew in that. How has that impacted your life? Well, buckle in cause this blog is a summary of the last two years of my life that have begun to culminate in the last few months or so. It’s not a two-step process, but what in life that’s worth anything really is in the first place…
Disclaimer: this blog might sound a bit weird. I’m going to attempt to do my best to explain ways I’ve exercised spiritual authority and how I’ve gotten here in the first place without sounding like a drama queen or like I’m making stuff up, but spiritual authority grows out of a place of intimacy. I’ve been spending the last 9 months on my Race growing in depth and intimacy with the Father and these little peeks at authority flow out of that intimacy. Without that depth and trust in relationship this is weird and dramatic – and it’s not gonna work. This blog is just a peek into Mer’s prayer life, I just feel like somebody needs to hear it.
Part one: Being Yourself with the Father
When I lived in PA I wanted to buy a bunch of books on gifts of the Spirit, prophecy, having a dynamic prayer life, etc. As I was about to click “buy” on about $50 worth of books on Amazon I felt the Father say, “do you wanna read about it in a book or do you want Me to teach you?” … Needless to say I couldn’t pull the trigger on buying those books after that. Honesty moment: I read a ton of other books. As long as it didn’t fit into that category I went wild, and God used it (or just redeemed it anyway.) Take this incredible book called “Bandersnatch” by Erika Morrison. Her premise is that we are all like Lewis Carroll’s “Though the Looking Glass” and only through being our fullest, most unique selves will we be the flower we were intended to be in the fractal of the Kingdom. It’s an incredible book, you should read it, but without any spoilers, she expresses her specific relationship with the Father in nearly chaotic dance; like her prayers weren’t enough, she had to put more of herself into her prayers. (Those of you who speak in tongues or are bilingual can relate to this. Words cease to express the depths of your soul, you need a more adequate expression, so you switch to the language that is more expressive or does justice to that desire.) That’s a little bit like what my expressions of worship look like. Worship becomes too much, I’m praying with my mind and my heart but that doesn’t express all of what I’m trying to say, so I start praying with my hands, or even my body. I wave my hands around like I’m dancing in the haze of His Presence. I’ll lift up the praise in the atmosphere like I’m physically trying to lift it up to Him or lift Him higher. I’ll sway from my heart up to heaven and back down again as an exchange, offering my heart, inviting more of Him in, all while singing or praying things that echo what my heart is praying. When I dance for Him I’m praying and praising with my mind and my body. I kind of unhinge my brain and let myself kind of overflow in the safety of His Presence and trust that He’s as capable of interpreting my movements as He is my prayers. This feels weird to write – and for sure to send out there for people to read – but I think spiritual authority and freedom in the Spirit are two aspects that flow out of the same trait; trust. You can’t have a fruitful relationship without trust, and you can’t have trust if you’re trying to hide. I think somebody reading this needs the permission to be themselves with the Father.
“Bandersnatch” began to undo years of damage and lies telling me I had to keep that part of myself hidden. I hid in my room with the music low for years dancing quietly so no one would come in and wonder what I was doing. It took living in PA, the Father doing lots of work in my heart, and spending 6 months at a worship dance academy surrounded by some incredibly Spirit-filled women who had a similar expression of worship that finally began to break the chains of shame and to let feel free enough to finally let out the part of me I was hiding because I thought it felt weird. God wanted a worship dancer, so He made me. I’d be depriving God of His due glory if I didn’t praise Him the way He intended to be praised when He made me. Learning to trust He wanted me to be that way took time, trust doesn’t happen all at once, but out of that freedom to be myself in His Presence I’ve grown in depth, in confidence, and in trust that He loves me. Love like that is powerful. Love like that makes you invincible.
So this blog has two purposes:
1. I think somebody needs the freedom to be herself with the Father
2. I think somebody else needs to hear that the things they’re hearing or feeling just might actually be God. So, enter:
Part Two: The Fruit of Relationship
Because I trust I can be myself with the Father – that I am known and can know the One who made me and loves me the way He did – I live out of trust and safety. He’s my friend, I know He knows me. I’m safe with Him. I trust that I can pray something that doesn’t make sense or do something a little weird and it would either be His idea in the first place, or He understands my heart and intentions enough to redeem it into what I meant to begin with. That’s a dynamic, maturing relationship. The more I’ve done crazy things like that, the more I feel His delight in me – or I’ll think of scripture that corrects what I did and tells me the way to do it next time. That’s the “or do you want Me to teach you” thing. It’s pretty wild. Trust breeds relationship, relationship breeds intimacy, and intimacy breeds more trust. Within trust you can do crazy things because you have safety and acceptance and love. When you’re not afraid to take risks, your faith becomes limitless.
On the Race I’ve prayed crazy things over people. He’s used me to break chains of addiction, to speak words of healing, to prophesy, to unite hearts, to pray new life into existence, to bind and cast out darkness in room, over my team, on my squad; all sorts of crazy stuff that feels insane. But in the realm of trust He knows I’ll say whatever He puts on my heart to say, no matter how crazy it sounds. He trusts me to deliver the message and I trust that it’s Him and He’s gonna use it for something specific, even if I don’t have a clue what it means. The more I follow through in obedience, the more He trusts me with new things to say or to share or to pray over and the cycle deepens.
For person one, there’s freedom – endless freedom – and that freedom builds trust, which builds relationship. For person two, (which is just a more mature person one) say the thing that feels crazy to say! Growing kids get to help their Dad’s. Feeling that “Holy Spirit heartbeat” – the sweats, the chills, the tight stomach, the sudden tension, whatever that looks like for you – is usually the Father wanting to use you. God can do things without you, but He wants to use you. That’s why He put you here. Don’t you wanna live that life of faith and see what happens?? Nothing is scarier than being told to walk up to a man in a church and ask if you can pray over him to have a baby, or to tell the near-stranger she needs to speak out the sin she’s hiding because it’s destroying her. It’s terrifying. But if God is telling you to pray over him it’s because He wants to give that guy and his wife a baby, or that He wants to set that girl free. The fact that he wants to use you to usher in that blessing is all but a guarantee that He’s going to do it! Why would He tell you to pray about something He wasn’t going to do?? Therefore: what are you afraid of? That’s all the faith you need. There is your authority. He’s putting it on your heart? He wants to do it. All fear of you looking like a fool? Evaporated. Say the thing. He’s all but guaranteeing you won’t be wrong.
If you want that, or if you’ve been suppressing it and want it again, here’s what to do:
1. Tell the Father you want to be used by Him and ask Him to start (or start again) to give you things to step into or call out in other people.
He wants to use you. There are far too many hurting people in this world and far too many unsurrendered people who don’t want that kind of faith because they’re afraid of what will happen. Be that person He can use to touch those people.
2. Be prepared for it to take a while.
The Father doesn’t want servants, He wants friends. He wants you know His heart and be His friend so you are partnering with Him. It takes a bit to build a friendship. It takes longer to build a relationship. It takes even longer to build intimacy. That cycle of trust and fruit flows out of intimacy.
Once you’re free to be yourself with the Father, you’ve developed trust, and are walking in intimacy, I have two words of caution:
1. Don’t quench the Holy Spirit.
Feeling that “Holy Spirit heartbeat” and ignoring it means it will come less and less frequently and feel weaker and weaker. If God can’t rely on you to do it He’ll find someone else. I don’t ever want that to be me. I’ll lead off with an, “I’m sorry, this is crazy” if I have to, but I’ll do the thing. The more often you do the thing the more you get things to do. I don’t ever wanna look back and say, “I thought it was Him, but I was afraid.” The worst I can be is wrong, and that means I learn. In relationship there’s no shame or judgement in making a mistake. That’s where the freedom is.
2. Don’t get so focused on His Hand you lose sight of His Heart.
As the intimacy comes, these signs will come too. Scripture says “signs and wonders will follow those who believe.” Don’t get so distracted by the signs and wonders that you stop focusing on the intimacy. There’s no surer way for them to stop than to begin to focus on the healing rather than The Healer. Trust, relationship, intimacy, more trust. If you do get distracted, though, you should notice pretty quickly. The cool stuff will stop and you’ll feel really worn out. The good thing is it’s pretty easy to step back into the river.
This isn’t a check-the-box and you heal someone or click and receive the gift of prophecy kind of thing. Yeah, it’s simple steps, but it’s a process. This has been a two-year journey to just begin to start overflowing in partnership with the Father, but it starts from trusting Him with being yourself – whatever that looks like for you. As that trust and safety develops, what can you be but a baby lioness pouncing on all the little caterpillars and mice and bringing them back to her proud Papa? There’s so much freedom in trust, and so much trust in freedom. That all comes out of relationship; and you can’t have relationship if you’re hiding. Be yourself before Him. Be free. Live life and live it abundantly – that’s the kind of freedom relationship with Him offers. From that freedom and safety comes maturity, depth, and growth. Growing kids get to help their dads. Partnering with God to do something will change your life and grow your faith every time; and there’s no going back. There’s only further up and further in, glory to glory. That all starts, though, with being yourself. I hope this touches your heart somehow. It’ll set you free if it does.
His,
Meredith
