Before you think I’m too crazy, I’m a researcher at heart. I will spend my life analyzing the heck out of something, challenging it, studying it, and arguing my way around every aspect of it; including and not limited to the God of the universe.
This Race has looked nothing like what I expected. The World Race Instagram, and even my own, don’t adequately depict the chaos in color that is the World Race. The beautiful candids of a girl holding orphans don’t show she hasn’t showered in three days, is really tired, and probably hasn’t talked to her mom in two weeks because there’s no wifi.
I didn’t come on this Race for the candids, the travel, or the adventure, though those are cool part of it; I came on this Race to pursue intimacy with the Father.
I thought taking a year of my life and chasing after Him, doing things He loves with people who want the same thing, would be the best way to grow closer to Him – all while getting to do some eternal good in the meantime.
Well, intimacy looks nothing like I thought it would. I expected a full, happy, joyful, closely-connected, fulfilled kind of journey that left me overflowing with energy to love and chase every kid I came across. It would mean I could immediately hear the heart of God, prophecy over people, overflow with wisdom, lead my team and my squad from within by example, and basically never have a bad day because I was connected to the Vine.
That’s not what intimacy looks like. That is a result of intimacy.
Intimacy is being known, deeply, with all your flaws, and still being infinitely, unconditionally loved. It’s also not just a one-way knowing, it’s a mutual knowing by both parties.
My Race has looked a lot like God taking me to places where my flaws are exposed and Him loving me anyway; all while showing me new depths of His character and how to interact with Him. If I only wanted connection and overflow I should have been more specific. (For the record, I believe those things will come, just after a deep period of rootedness in this first.)
All that said, I have this desperate need for control, and I have a genetic disease called “expectation.” He’s giving me what I asked for, not what I meant, and that has looked nothing like what I’d hoped. In large part, it has looked like Him asking hard things of me and going radio silent.
Well, expecting that deep level of overflow and connection and not getting it has left me feeling nothing but abandonment and failure for not living up to those expectations. I had no idea how much that expectation controlled my life or how much I put God in a box expecting Him to show up the way I want Him to.
Because I’ve felt rejected by Him for not showing up that way I have been pursuing intimacy with Him in every way possible – except actually talking to Him – and that’s kind of pathetic.
I listen to music, have one-on-ones with my leadership team and people on my squad, I seek wisdom from my mom and mentors back home, listen to tons of podcasts, read books, and charge through the Bible trying to analyze my way into understanding knowledge of the Father.
Those things are great, but they are just tools. My idol has become growth, not the heart of the Father.
Therefore I’m fasting it; all of it. I’m creating a space to be hungry by doing without something good (books, podcasts, the Bible) so I can fill that hunger with best (talking to Him, spending time in His Presence, pursuing His heart.)
Honestly, this scares the living daylight out of me. It takes everything out of my control and leaves me with no option to do anything; just for God to show up. It gives Him the room I haven’t left Him to break into my world and speak to me however He wants to speak to me, and despite the bountiful tears of fear that He won’t, the risk is worth it; and somehow I think He will honor it.
I’ll let you know how it goes. Prayers appreciated.
His,
Meredith
