(If you missed my previous blog about why I decided to do this crazy thing in the first place, it’s kind of important. Click HERE for the catch up.)
If I would have had any idea what this last month was gonna hold I would never have done this. We had three teams slammed together in a two-bedroom house and there was no space or quiet anywhere. I NEED my space and green and quiet to hear the Father; to quiet my soul enough to connect to Him at all. It went against everything in me not to start plowing through scripture (knocking out my Bible-in-a-year plan!) reading books, listening to podcasts; y’all, even listening to Christian music. If the goal of the fast is to cut out other people’s opinion of who God is, that effectively means music too. Basically everything in my environment was making me scream and I’d slit my own throat beforehand by taking away all my own coping mechanisms. The only thing that made me stick to it was being convinced that the way I was going to see Him show up this month was going to be worth more than my own comfort. So how did it go, you ask?
Well to be honest, I didn’t handle it well; especially in the beginning. I kinda freaked out. The first three days I spent all my time with Him sobbing because I was afraid I wouldn’t hear Him. Yeah, I freaked out. Pretty childish. (Although the other side of that is it reflects a heart that wants to see Him so much it can’t bear the thought of missing Him. I’m not trying to give too much room for shame, here, just being honest.)
My spot past month (I always have one) has been laying on the playground slide at night and looking at the stars. Sometimes it’s 20 minutes, sometimes it’s two hours, but it’s time I spend in silence talking to Him, listening for Him, and trying to just rest in His nearness. This would work for a while, but about every 3-4 days I would freak out again and say “THIS FEELS LIKE WASTED TIME!! WHERE ARE YOU!? If I’m here and my heart is longing to be with You WHY WON’T YOU COME!?!?” But as my sweet squadmate’s mom said on my last blog, we get caught up asking and expecting God to show up. It’s so awesome when He does, but if He doesn’t show up the way we want it’s easy to overlook Him in the way He does. (Shoutout to Sissy Bekvar. I needed that.)
So, this month became about not overlooking Him in the ways He does show up. I’ve always been pretty good at seeing Him in random stuff, as illustrated by past blogs (hiking Table Mountain, watching Star Wars, etc.) but this time it was all I had, so I was desperate for it. I’d look for a glimpse of Him while staring into the unblinking brown eyes of a child, finding joy in a cinnamon roll, or hiking the ridge we live by that borders South Africa. He was in those things a lot more often than I’d think. My spiritual Mama told me last month: Recognize Him in what He’s already created, in what’s around you. Instead of looking for Him in the extraordinary – everyone sees Him there – can you feel Him in the breeze? Immaturity seeks the extraordinary because you don’t have to have any faith for that. (Basically in just surrounded by powerhouse spiritual women. Bless.)
One thing happened that I didn’t expect: this month felt like a deepening. All I had was the things I’d already learned, but it felt like a time where they moved from my head to my heart. I couldn’t go to music or a book, or even scripture, so the Holy Spirit finally had room to bring things to my mind as I needed them.
I would be stressing out about not growing and think, “He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it.” – Phil 1:6
I’d be afraid of Him not meeting me:
“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” – James 4:8
“Seek me and you will find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you.” – Jer 29:13
When I couldn’t find Him at all:
“I will never leave you nor forsake you” – Deut 31:6
“I have never seen the righteous forsaken nor their children begging bread.” – Ps 37:25
I’d be stressed:
“Do not fret or worry, instead of worrying, pray. Let praises and petitions shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, an overwhelming sense of God’s peace, everything working together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ replaces worry at the center of your life.” Phil 4:6-7
When I was afraid He wouldn’t lead me:
“To Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy” – Jude 1:24
When I was afraid of the silence and afraid He wouldn’t speak:
“I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her” – Hoseah 2:14
When I was stressed and exhausted:
“Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” – Matt 11:28
“They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not grow weary. They shall walk and not faint.” – Isaiah 40:31
I also thought about song lyrics, too. Bethel and Will Reagan would pop into my mind with phrases like:
Help me let You go, help me give up control of the God I’ve made You when my fear has contained You. (“Let You Go” – Will Reagan)
I’m so forgetful but You always remind me. You’re the only one who brings me peace. So I come… to tell You I love You. To tell You I need You. To tell You there’s no better place for me than in Your arms. To tell You I’m sorry for running in circles. For placing my focus on the waves, not on Your face. (“Running in Circles” – United Pursuit Band)
I will trust here in the mystery. I will trust in You completely… You taught my feet to dance upon disappointment and I will worship. (“Heroes” – Amanda Cook)
Realizing the truth that was buried in the recesses of my heart (and that finally had space to come out…) was encouraging. I was able to draw on them for strength instead of just knowing them as fact. Also, shout out to having things hidden in your heart… here’s a shameless little plug for that
The biggest lesson I learned (surprise, surprise) was from the arms of a child. One day at our Care Point this little one jumped into my arms and would not let go. Kids were playing around her, noise and games and activity were happening – all good things – but all she wanted to do was be in my arms. I wanna be like that. Being in His Presence I want more than activity, than fun, than growth… than anything. I’ve gotta stop climbing out of His arms every time I think I see something exciting happening around me. I’ve found something better.
This month was a challenge, but I’ve spent more time with God this month than I have any other month so far. The other months I was just pursuing knowledge of Him. That’s not intimacy. That’s not why I’m here. I’m here for this
