Sometimes ministry looks like doing things you don’t want to do: like going door to door for hours every day backing people into a corner with the gospel. This month we follow the pastor around the village, we knock on doors, (sometimes he knows their names, sometimes he doesn’t), he tells them the gospel story and goes, “is there any reason why you wouldn’t want to accept Jesus into your heart?” The answer is usually “no” and he goes, “would you like to do it now?” Most Latin Americans are huge on saving face and not saying the word “no” so he makes them repeat he prayer of salvation after him and we move on to the next house. Oh. I forgot. I’m the only Spanish speaker on my team. These house visits are constantly punctuated with “Mariela, would you like to share the Roman Road?” “Mariela, invite them to church.” “Mariela, would you like to tell them what it means to soften your heart to Jesus?” (Um… no thanks, since you’re asking. I’m not comfortable doing that in English, much less in Spanish.) I’ve learned a lot about having a having an urgency for the gospel, but I have been affectionately referring to this process as “forcing the gospel down their throats with a gun to their heads.”
But Mer! You’re a missionary! You should be ready at all times to give an answer for the faith that you hold! Yes. You’re right. But I’m much more strongly gifted in the mentorship, discipleship, encouragement-in-your-Christian-walk than I am evangelism. We’re all the body, that’s ok, I’m fine with that. But I’m much more of a believer in lifestyle evangelism. I want to live my life beside you and talk about Jesus like the daily part of my life that He is and let you see the way I live and want it, not walk up to you and try to corner you with logic and leave you no choice but to argue or to “convert.” I’m struggling with feeling like we’re causing a lot more damage for the gospel than we are spreading it. Basically I’m just struggling.
This is my last month on the Race. This is my last week of my last month on the Race. I’ve wanted to do this thing for years. This was my dream, and it’s hard enough to have something that big live up to your expectations. I had huge expectations for this last month and I’m struggling that they’re not being met, that this is almost over and I haven’t grown the ways I’d hoped, and the fact that I’m tired and I’m only a few days from home and I want to be there already. Who even am I? When I spent 5 years dreaming about doing this crying on the table before ministry wasn’t part of the plan. I would have told myself to suck it up and told myself to remember being stuck back at my desk in the Governor’s Office dreaming about being here. I’d be pushing harder this close to the end, not wishing for an excuse to skip ministry and not even wanting to be here anymore.
The Race talks about brokenness and the end of yourself a lot. I’ve hit it several times on the Race, most notably with a panic attack in Vietnam, a brutal break-up in Botswana, and incredible exhaustion and spiritual warfare in Bolivia. I did not expect to be laying on the table in Peru during my last week of ministry wishing it could just be final debrief already, especially because of what I asked for this month; more of Him.
Those of you who follow my blog have probably picked up that I tend to ask for a new thing every month. Last month was depth (click here for PART ONE and PART TWO of how that went) other months have been things like intimacy or growth or hearing His voice. This month, especially after the depth part two blog, I lay all of those down and said “I don’t want any of these things more than I want You. I just want You.” What has that looked like? Really strong, really inviting opposition to my calling after the Race (find that HERE), feeling pretty gross physically about half the time, longing to go home, feeling isolated from my team, wanting to escape into books and movies worse than ever, and having really hard ministry. It looks like feeling half alive and being tired and worn down and not feeling like I can find the Spirit anywhere. It looks like recognizing this as attack and being too tired to fight it off. All these things to get me to the end of myself and to make me look up in the discomfort and say, “more of You. That’s what I want. Here I am and I’m strugglin. I love you. Help me.”
He does help, but He doesn’t always do it in ways you expect – or even want. When I feel like this I want to go worship, to journal my way into a revelation, or talk to my Mom or my spiritual Mama and get some wisdom to hang onto to push myself through it. I don’t want to go to the team I feel distant from and ask them to pray for me, but that’s community. He designed us to need each other. Sometimes the only way we can break through the heavy chains is by plucking up some humility and some courage and telling people how you feel, asking them to pray for you, and to come up beside you and help carry you, to encourage you to the cross. That’s what He told me to do that day: get off my butt, go in the room, tell my team how I felt, and ask for prayer. I left that circle a few pounds lighter that day, both from tears and from the heaviness I was carrying. It hasn’t made the dread of ministry go away, but feeling that love from my team was a little kick in the face to my isolation and loneliness, and as my spiritual Mama said, “Grace must be allowed to seep into our own souls, not just given to others.” Why on earth could I get away with thinking my teammates were allowed to have hard days or months and I wasn’t?? Oh yeah. The grace thing.
I used to look at Racers that complained in their blogs and judge them hard from my desk and say “what you’re doing is my DREAM!!! How are you whining about this??? Suck it up and remember why you’re doing this in the first place.” Sometimes all the reminding in the world just can’t get you out of the funk, and sometimes the Spirit doesn’t even do it Himself. He makes you need other people and let your struggle bring unity.
So to racers who are struggling and you feel like you shouldn’t be, two things: 1. Give the same grace to yourself that you give to others 2. Don’t try to do it alone.
To people in life who are struggling and don’t feel like you should be, two things: 1. Give the same grace to yourself that you give to others 2. Don’t try to do it alone.
The Father uses all things and takes us on different paths. He’s using my month 11 and taking me here on purpose. He’s using yours too. It’s the deep, uncomfortable, hard places that the growth comes from. If it’s not going the way you expect, it’s probably cause Hea taking you through some growth you didn’t expect. Beating yourself up over it just gets your eyes off the growth. Don’t waste the growth by missing half of it beating yourself up. Yes, I’m preaching most of this to myself.
