Journal on June 15th: Blantyre, Malawi
Lord, I need you. A divine word. Something. I feel so tired and I just don’t want to do anything. All the things I used to have, even just a warm cooked meal, have become seen as entitlements that I have to give up. But even when I convince myself that, “okay, I can let that one go” it’s only a moment’s reprieve before I have something new to let go of. My comfort, personal space, food, water, sleep, and income have all been lost. I feel like I have come to that place where I am “at the end of myself” and I have to go forward from here. I can either be bitter or move forward into the abundant life Christ has for me. I just feel so tired.
And the spiritual side of this trip has all but vanished. No miracles. No healings.
Hopefully the people I have met so far, like Gracie and Renee (a young girl on a mission trip I chatted with for, like, two hours and encouraged about being a missionary in Livingstone, Zambia; read Gracie’s story in Open Road Trip Part 3), have been divine appointments, but even that I am not sure of. And having no foresight as to what my future holds leaves me feeling a bit lack-luster or passion-less. I deeply desire to follow you, Lord, but I just can’t seem to get over myself right now. And home is beginning to look like a pretty good place.
Lord, you are going to have to bonk me on the head to speak to me right now. My heart is hard with some bitterness and frustration. I feel I have been resisting so much that I am left with this mental image of being pulled forward by both arms and I’m digging my heels into the ground. You have yet to take me anywhere that I can’t handle and yet I still put up this fight with/against anxiety. Why? Nothing has been too hard but I also don’t feel like I have allowed myself to flourish. I have withheld love because we are always “leaving soon” and I don’t want my heart to hurt.
Lord, do I fear love?
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