This month, all the men are gone. It is "Manistry month" (see my good friend Jochem’s blog about that.) This means that it is also “Women’s month, or more cleverly put,
“Femistry.”
Tonight is supposed to be “girls night.” Which means everyone is pulling together a massive amount of makeup, clothing, nail polish, and accessories, whatever. They asked everyone to contribute to the pile and I realized that I had nothing to contribute…well, nothing “cute” to contribute. This entire race, I have traded in my “usual attire” for old, used men’s clothing, hand me downs from a boxes in a barn in Romania, parachute pants I found in India, purple (yes purple) sweatpants that are more comfortable than anything I own. My clothes are few. But, I have prided myself in the fact that my once “55 pound pack” now weighs about 20. I have dropped pieces of myself, pieces of what I “value” all around the world. And it has left me with a very light pack…and very few “options.”
But then there comes a time like this-girl’s night-and part of me regrets all of it. I regret dropping that one shirt in Africa. I regret not buying those shoes in the mall in Asia. I regret eating all that chocolate in Europe. I regret the clothes I wear, I regret not taking care of myself better. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see who I used to be 8 months ago. I am 10 pounds heavier. My skin is no longer clear, my HAIR, ohh don’t even get me started on my hair. I won’t complain too much though, because at least I don’t have lice.
I don’t feel pretty. I get nervous, and literally sweaty, when someone tells me that I look “good that day.” I don’t want to put on clothes tonight, or let people “make me up.” I feel as if every flaw is going to be addressed, or covered, or sparkled to make me look better. This is supposed to be a fun evening where we can forget the race for a moment, and indulge in beautifying products. It is supposed to be an I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR night or something, (you get it) but I can’t focus on that. I just see flaws, disasters, incompleteness, and insecurities.
***BUT ALL THIS IS USUALLY OKAY*** because no one really cares how you look out here. We all have lost a little sparkle. No one is immune to that. So why is this upcoming evening affecting me so much? Why do I FEEL EVERYTHING right now? I can’t blame the hormones. I can’t blame the men because they are like 20 hours away. I can’t even blame the race.
It is because of ME.
It is because of the way I view MYSELF. I have embraced the idea that it doesn’t matter what other people think about me and somehow in all that embracing and freedom, I forgot that I am excluded from that group of people. What I think about myself matters. It is all about where I stand.
I am not talking about standing in front of the mirror, but in front of my Creator.
As I write this blog, I am realizing that it must be a slap in the face to the Creator when the creation claims it is not “good enough” and that the Creator somehow “messed up.” God is using this month to show me all the insecurities I have about myself, especially when it comes to the way I look. People may not run to me first when in need of a cute outfit to borrow for the evening. I may not have the best shoes, the prettiest scarves, the best hair, the most toned butt, but I do have an identity-in Christ. Not in “things.” But in Him. It can be hard to remember that sometimes. It can be even harder to believe it. I don’t know how well I will do tonight. But I am glad I wrote this out, and I am glad to share it with you all today.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Genesis 1:31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. (I didn’t have to go too far in the Word to see what God thinks about us.)
