You know something? It’s ridiculous how many things from the past creep up and try to strangle you when you’re not looking. I once heard someone say that marriage is like a magnifying glass instead of a solution to issues such as loneliness, lust, and a need for approval and I’ve come to realize that something similar can be said about the World Race. It is amazing and it will stretch you and reveal things to you that you may not have noticed otherwise but it is absolutely not a solution to all your spiritual problems. For me this manifested as pride, greed, self-centeredness, envy, and mistrust. I thought that these issues were just things from my past and that the World Race was going to bring out all my best features and highlight them in some picturesque way. Instead, the World Race is a magnifying glass which amplifies issues from prior days and sins that have been dormant for a long time.
For instance, there have been many months where I was asked to do something that I felt I wasn’t qualified to do. Instead of immediately turning to God and asking for him to give me the ability, I let my pride creep back in and as a result I spent so much time telling God that this isn’t how I’m meant to be used. “God, please provide some opportunity for me to build something or provide some basic medical care or really do ANYTHING besides teaching because I would really be more effective doing something that I’m good at.” No, I’m not kidding. This is really what a lot of my prayers sounded like. There is nothing wrong with understanding what your strengths are and wanting to use the gifts that the Lord has given you but what I was doing was really several steps beyond that. I was trying to give God polite correction about how he should use me. GROSS!
Another prime example of things creeping back up is that when someone says something that I initially don’t like or agree with my first instinct is to make it into a joke or go tell someone else about it. Instead of taking time to try to understand what was actually being said, I so often seek to paint it in a negative way and present it to someone else. Gossip has given me a run for my money ever since literally forever. I don’t know why this sin in particular is so difficult to squash but it is to me. I am working on this daily and it helps a lot that I adore my squad and genuinely want to protect them and honor them in front of the world.
I really could go on and on about the sins that are constantly tempting me out here in the great wide world but I’m a STRONG believer in the concept of T.M.I. so I’ll cut this short and trust that you can grasp what it is that I’m trying to communicate here. Without my God I am literally nothing. Without his breath in my lungs I am dust, and he goes to lengths to preserve my life and give me opportunities to love him and serve him. He knows much better than I do how I can best glorify him. The lesson that I’ve been learning time and again is that the only thing that really matters at all is that I wake up every morning horribly shattered and in desperate, reckless need of a Savior. All this is to let everyone back home know that I may be half a world away but I am still struggling so hard to put my pride to death and surrender what I want to the Lord. It’s hard to keep my thoughts on things that please God and keep my tongue from tearing people down just like I used to. Maybe this disappoints you but in all honesty I would rather you read about the ways that I’m struggling and how God rescues me from myself every day than read a blog about how cute the kids here are or how much fun I’m having. Please keep me in your prayers as we’re all still trying to figure this crazy thing out and be as in love with Jesus as possible.
