*Testimony Time*
A lot of people, especially women, have dealt with some sort of eating disorder in their lifetime. Eating disorders are horrible, deadly addictions and diseases sent from the devil to kill hope, steal identity and destroy lives. Eating Disorders are not all the same-but start out with the same lie…”You’re not enough.” The SAME lie that was whispered into Eve’s ear when the devil convinced her to eat of the forbidden fruit…she thought..”If I just take one bite…I’ll be enough…I’ll be like God!”
…sounds eerily familiar, right?
If you’ve battled an eating disorder, what you heard might have been more like this:
“If I just…don’t eat….then I’ll be skinny enough. Then I’ll be pretty enough.”
“I can eat as much as I want when I’m hungry…and then….I’ll just throw it back up…and still get/stay skinny. I’ll be fine.”
“I’ll never be enough. Food is the only comfort I have…I won’t stop eating because no one will ever see me as pretty. Why even try?”
Do any of these sound familiar to anyone? Do I see a hand there…two…three hands?
Don’t worry, my hand is raised as well.
I fall into the third category. I was a binge eater…and I didn’t realize I was a binge eater or had an eating disorder. I did realize however, when I’d be very stressed or upset, I would eat…and eat….and eat…and eat.
My family could tell that I was eating far too much, and tried to warn me…but I didn’t listen. I thought, “I will never gain weight. This will never harm me.”…and then, this is NOT a joke, after their lectures I would go and stuff more food in my face to prove them wrong. (Ugh)
I had NO self confidence, I did not see ANY beauty God placed in me and I became a gluttonous, slothful, dead person. Some of those lies were planted in me while I was growing up from different people that bullied me…and they became truths for me.
I always called myself fat in Middle School and beginning of high school…and I really was the farthest thing from fat. But I began to believe that lie….I believed the lie my teeth were ugly…that I was ugly…and I began self-fulfilling those prophecies. (How?!)
I stopped taking care of myself all together. I hardly brushed my teeth, I didn’t care about my hygiene…I didn’t care how much I ate…I just DIDN’T CARE. I watched hours and hours and hours of anime, I talked to people online to create a false sense of intimacy….and I ate, and I ate, and I ate. When I wasn’t doing these things, I battled suicidal thoughts. I battled evil thoughts. With not truly focusing on Jesus, my mind was reprobate. It wasn’t focused on the One who can bring me life and purpose.
There were times I’d be so stressed out from different situations going on in my life, I would go and sit in the kitchen with a knife in my hand debating on plunging it into my stomach. But, I truly believe, God prevented me from doing it every time. (Thank GOD. Seriously.)
Okay, enough with the dreary, depressing stuff. Let me get to the GOD part of this story.
I can’t tell you when the light switched on, if it started turning on slowly…if it was all at once…I can just tell you it did. I think it started when my Dad began his ministry group, Elevate. God started giving me purpose through that.
I had less time for anime and eating everything in sight, and more of my focus HAD to be on ministry. I began talking to Jesus again, I began feeling purpose again, I began feeling joy, hope and love again.
Then, my pastor began talking about how we need to feed our physical body healthy food just like we need to treat our Spirit man. The things he said totally offended me….because I realized I wasn’t taking care of myself. I just started noticing how far I let myself go. It made sense why I was sick literally ALL OF THE TIME. I WAS ALWAYS SICK! Stomach issues, bronchitis….stuff like that ALL THE TIME.
I realized…I don’t want my kids to live like this. I want to be able to play with my kids. I have these sort of standards for whomever I might marry…but I don’t have them for myself.
I started having tons of epiphanies.
*PAUSE* I also want to say, only GOD was able to reveal this to me and it was only GOD that helped me overcome this obstacle. This next part is not me boasting about myself, because there’s no way I would have ever been able to do this. *PLAY*
So, by God’s strength, I went Vegan for a couple months. I started losing weight. And then, I started going to the gym and I started eating more meat in my diet. I watched my caloric intake. I went to the gym almost every night which is a MIRACLE because I used to hate any form of working out! And….by the GRACE of GOD….I began LOVING it! I loved being sore….and I loved healthy food.
The devil tried to come in and tried to tempt me to become bulimic. There was two-three times I fell into that trap and made myself sick, but then God came in and broke that chain before it could be strong enough. (Praise GOD.)
There were times that I plateaued and felt like I was never going to reach my goal weight, but that still small voice always encouraged me to continue on. And that still small voice was always right.
In November of 2013, after almost a year of hard work, and God keeping me strengthened and changing my desires….my goal weight of 135 was met. Starting out, I was 195. I believe I weighed more than that at one point in my life, but my starting weight was 195.
This could have only been done by God restoring my identity, which in some areas He is still doing and by His grace and strength enabling me to change. I could have never changed on my own. I TRIED and it NEVER WORKED.
And, honestly, for the past few months I’ve been in a funk with my weight. I started feeling almost ashamed to talk about this part of my testimony because it feels like people who lose weight are shamed, or if they talk about it they are bragging or making others feel self-conscious. In the midst of this, I started eating more unhealthy foods to be more “acceptable” and haven’t been as disciplined with working out. I’m not blaming this on ANYONE, because it’s MY FAULT for believing those lies. I’ve only gained 3 pounds back, but it could go up a lot more, lol. I’m a foodie by nature, and it’s hard for me to tell when I’m full. So I need Godly discipline in that part of my life.
I’m not ashamed of this part of my story any longer. God has been talking to me lately about not being ashamed of what He has done in my life, because it can be used as a light to help someone struggling with the same thing.
So if any of this is a struggle you’re facing right now, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. You’re NOT alone, and through Christ you CAN overcome!!!
And that’s all I gotta say…about that! 🙂
Love,
Meraia
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
